Hunch Punch: You’re a freshman. You’re still excited to be invited to fraternity parties at all, and to be honest, you haven’t quite learned how to stomach anything else yet. You’ve probably never heard of an ingredient called “Everclear,” but you certainly will after tonight. Eventually you’ll learn your lesson, but until you get a better taste for alcohol, you’ll keep filling your shiny red cup with the dangerous concoction your favorite fraternity boys are filling it with. Oh yeah, and remember to use protection.
Beer: You’re a little bit trashy. I would say no offense, but I actually kind of mean to offend. You’re drinking to get drunk, which is fine, because that’s why most of us are drinking, but it’s different. You’re a quantity over quality girl, and it makes me hate you a little bit. You also probably like sports, which makes me hate you a lot, but you throw back with the guys so you’re probably pretty chill. I’m just going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say: I’m jealous that you’re spending more time with my crush than I am. Carry on.
Chick beer: I hate you more than if you were drinking Budweiser, PBR, or even worse, Natty Light. Chick beer says, “I’m cool and like to drink with the guys, but I’m too classy/high maintenance/anal for what you’re drinking.” Seriously, you’re like the girl who says she’ll set her friend up with her ex at the Halloween party but doesn’t tell her about the slut rule and then hooks up with him herself. You’re doing one thing and saying another and I don’t like it. Oh, and you should probably run for President of your chapter.
Mimosa: You drink champagne, so you’re fucking classy. You brunch every Sunday in a tea dress, and you know that if you’re going to be a mess you might as well be a hot one. Like everyone else, you’re looking for your MRS, but unlike everyone else, you’ll actually obtain yours within a year of graduation. What you have to look forward to in the next ten years: marrying a doctor/lawyer/CEO, having 2.5 children and a golden retriever, and enjoying a nearly deadly cocktail of Xanax and wine in your kitchen every day for the rest of your life.
Boxed Wine: You’re an upperclassmen or a recent grad. You’ve discovered what is wonderfully and mercifully the best of both worlds – all the classiness of wine with the budget constraints you can handle. You probably live somewhere off campus with one or two of your pledge sisters. You also probably go to bed by 10:30. Or you’re Roger Dorn. You probably make a lot of Pinterest baked goods.
Vodka Soda: Congratulations. You’re the epitome of a mature sorority woman – a walking TSM essentially. You know that soda water has no calories, so you mix it with your favorite flavor of Burnett’s and call it a day. You can also substitute Diet Coke for soda water, because duh, zero calories. You’re probably a sophomore or a junior, and you probably get called to standards nearly every week, but that doesn’t really bother you. You’ll most likely get plastered at formal, make out with someone else’s date, and vomit all over your Manolos, but don’t worry, you’ll tell Daddy you had an “emergency” and you’ll buy a new pair in the morning.
Long Island Iced Tea: Welcome aboard the hot mess express. You’re probably dressed up to get messed up, and I can respect that. You have a take-no-prisoners kind of attitude, which I love. You’re probably a molecular biology major, studying for the LSAT, recruitment chair, SGA president, or more than likely, all of the above. You work hard but you play even harder. You know nothing will make your successes feel as good as forgetting the headaches that made them happen, so tequila is your best friend. You should probably keep a 500 count bottle of ibuprofen in your bedside table. Don’t worry, I’m not judging, because I know you’ll be back to full speed by 8AM sharp on Monday morning. PS – call me next weekend?