What Your Drunk Food Says About You

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So what? Sometimes you get drunk just so you can eat drunk food. Maybe the bar is closed or you’re bored with the bro you’re talking to, and you think his personality is nowhere near as good as mac and cheese tastes. So you slip out. Like a ravenous raccoon, you roam the streets looking for your favorite drunk munch, because what cleanse? But not all drunk foods are created equal. Here’s what your choice of drunk food says about you.

1. Pizza
You are a pretty standard chica. Pizza is standard, no frills, and universally loved–it’s the “Cheers” of drunk foods. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. If you have a slice, it’s a nightcap and your life is pretty together. If you have an entire pie, you’re heartbroken or high. You get a side of ranch because you’re standard but not basic. Duh.

2. Ramen Or Mac And Cheese
You are going through something. You’re feeling a little more emotional than usual, so maybe you need something substantial to fill you up. Look at you! Getting this domestic takes some effort. Congrats, at least you’re not blackout! More importantly, you want to give him time to respond to your text so you distract yourself from your phone through cooking (boiling water). Then you probably pop in a movie (so you can stay up another hour). Plus, this is a perfect opportunity to Snapchat him “IDGAF Mac & Cheese!!!” so he’ll think, “OMG girl, you’re so chill and laid back!”

3. Tacos
You are hanging out with bros. You were probably out with you best guy friends and you have no intention of hooking up with any of them. Sure, they are all hot, but you’d rather lather your face in hot sauce and queso before making out with one of these guys. Maybe they’re your ex’s besties who still think you’re cool, or maybe it’s your high school friends visiting from out of town. Whatever. Bring on the hot sauce, you ARE chill as fuck.

4. Hummus
You are responsible. You have a 5K in the morning and you’ll call your boyfriend before you go to sleep in your Johnathan Adler sheets to tell him all about your night, which consisted of you going home early to eat hummus. Wild. Good for you.

5. Burger
You DGAF. You’re feeling American (maybe it’s the Fourth of July). For the love of God, you deserve this burger, you earned this burger, you are this burger–LET A GIRL LIVE #LAGL. Remember if you want a burger and attempt to get something else, it won’t satisfy your craving and you’ll probably eat a double double the next day. A salad is NEVER a burger.

6. Whatever Is In The Fridge
You just can’t even. You’re so overwhelmed by Seamless–it’s way too much. It’s like trying to choose an Essie color while getting a manicure hungover: “Should I do ‘The Lace is On,’ ‘Plumberry,’ or–oh, shit. I should branch out of my pink tones and go with ‘Naughty Nautical.’ Or will I hate myself for doing that?” Plus, there’s no way you can stay up for another 45 minutes and I think Seamless has a policy where you can only pass out on your delivery guy three times a month. Therefore, you resort to whatever you have. Eggs? Eggs sound good. Peanut Butter? Oh yeah, that sounds fantastic.

7. Froyo Or Ice Cream
You stayed in. You drank white wine and watched rom-coms all night. You put your phone on airplane mode to “go off the map,” and upon your return to said map, you were hopeful for some texts. Luckily, Mom texted you three times. SCORE. The good news is that you’ll probably wake up early and go to the gym because you need to see real people.

And yes girl, your cleanse still counts even if you drunk munched. I read on Wikipedia that it actually helps your cleanse. Science: it’s so weird. No, one slice of pizza doesn’t make you not a vegan, but yes, everyone does want to you to STFU about being a vegan. “Tell me more about your vegan lifestyle,” said nobody ever.

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Caring too much about not caring, fuck, I'm blackout. Follow Mel and Teresa at @melowens and @leresatee.

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