What Your Fall Shopping Splurge Says About You

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If there’s anything that makes returning to a life of actually doing work, waking up at the ass crack of 10 a.m., and no longer being able to pass off a bikini top as a shirt even remotely tolerable, it’s fall shopping. Buying all the fun things that come with the cooler weather is more exciting than finding out you’re not pregnant (though it’s way more expensive).

Your seasonal splurges say a lot about you, so read on to find out what your newly debt-inducing purchases mean for your personality.

Splurge: Leather Jacket
What It Says About You: In the past, a leather jacket was the mark of a real ride-or-die bitch. Today, it’s more the uniform of a wine-or-die kind of girl, provided it’s fitted and looks cute with leggings. You probably aren’t staying at any one party too long. That’s partly because you’re an in-demand social butterfly and partly because you can’t risk getting warm enough to need to take off your gorgeous coat and have some nightmare walk off with it. Works for you, though–you’re happy to party hop all night. A tough as nails jacket is also ideal for hiding that end of summer barbecue weight, too. Plus, it doubles as a makeshift sleeping bag for an outdoor, daytime “whiskey nap,” and you’re no stranger to those. (Don’t worry, neither are we.)

Splurge: A Little Black Dress
What It Says About You: You’re boring. Shopping is supposed to be fun and silly and impulsive! And now you’ve basically ruined it. No one will tell you that buying a black dress is a bad idea–it’s a staple–but you’re acting like you learned how to dress by reading the internal marketing materials at Ann Taylor. The dress is like that guy you dated sophomore year who looked a little bit like a chubby Channing Tatum: totally fine, but not worth bragging about. We didn’t want to be the ones to tell you this, but you’re getting dangerously close to being completely #basic.

Splurge: Textbooks
What It Says About You: There’s something wrong with you. Honestly, go return those right now. If you really insist on reading, then enroll in all the same classes as your roommate. She’ll buy the books–after all, she’s friends with you–and you can just share all semester. Then take the money you saved on books, buy yourself that killer new crimson kilt you saw at Bloomingdale’s, and pour yourself a glass of wine, nerd.

Splurge: Cashmere Cardigan
What It Says About You: Your version of “letting loose” is drinking white wine from a red wine glass. Do you, girl. While your taste can be a bit conservative, your love of luxury is anything but. Your motto is “why settle?” Why wear cotton when you can wear cashmere? Why eat dining hall fish sticks when you could go out for shrimp cocktail? Why sleep with a guy who plays ultimate frisbee when you could go out with a guy whose last name is on more than one campus building? As they say, shoot for the stars, and even if you miss, you’ll land in your parents’ financial safety net.

Splurge: A New Futon Mattress
What It Says About You: If you’re spending the majority of your fall budget on a new futon mattress, that means you probably ruined the last one. Whether you threw up on it during orientation, accidentally let some drunk frat bro pee on it, or casually forgot which storage unit you shoved it in last May, it’s totally on you to provide a new one for the room. Sure, you love to party, but with great party skills comes great futon-replacing responsibility, and you know that better than anyone else.

Splurge: A Case Of Wine
What It Says About You: You’re one of us. Invite us over.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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