When it comes to sex, there are a lot of ways you can mix it up. You can do it in different places, with different people, or in different positions. But when we break it all down, the first key to great sex? Having sex. Without that, well, you’re not really getting anywhere or getting off. That being said, there’s not just one way to do it. Sure, according to some people back in the day it doesn’t count unless a “P” goes in a “V.” But I don’t buy that. And I’m not going to buy that for this situation because it’s not as fun.
So when the birds started shooting glances at the bees and decided to get it on, there were a few basics. And out of these basics, everyone has a preference. And what your favorite way to go from no-gasms to orgasm says a little more about you than you might think.
The people who enjoy “giving” oral are the most philanthropic of the bunch. Do they spend their spare time helping others? Maybe. Have they gone above and beyond in their service hour requirements? Possibly. Are they dirty rotten liars who are making the rest of us look bad? Obviously. These people get off by getting someone else off. Chances are they’re pros at tying a cherry stem into a knot with their tongues, not getting dumped, and they go through toothpaste faster than all of us combined. They probably cook for their significant other, plan cute and spontaneous “staycations,” and call each other things like “Princess” and “Sweet Pea.” If these people weren’t so uncommon, they would be the people to fear. But don’t be afraid. Considering the fact that your boyfriend has to beg you for a beej, and you have to all but sit on his face to get him to return the favor, these mythical beings might just be fictional. And if they’re not? Throw a smoke signal my way.
I’ve got to hand it to ya (haHA), handjobs have gone totally out of style. Like having side bangs or jelly chokers, giving an HJ just isn’t a thing anymore. But if you’re one of those weirdos who finds that giving someone the ol’ rub and tug is your favorite, you tend to be a little different. A little out of the ordinary. A little, dare I say, unique? Maybe you have a problem with germs. Maybe you’re still in high school and don’t know any better. Maybe you’re naive or unskilled or feel self-conscious about your body (silly). Whatever it is, you like to touch but not insert. Feel but not fuck. Despite that fact that you enjoy one of the lamest sex acts best, no one can deny — you have a killer upper bod.
Anal lovers. They exist out there. There’s a reason guys are always asking if we’ll give it a try. If you’re a girl who prefers anal, then leave. Please. Just leave now and never come back. Anal girls are the freaks every guy dreams of. She’s down to get weird and try something new. She doesn’t need the lights turned down or the bodies to be perfectly clean. She’s used to getting dirty, because in the anal game? Anything can happen. She’s confident in herself and what she wants. She’s not afraid to get what she needs and if things get messy? She keeps going and takes charge. Yeah. She’s the worst. And the guys who prefer anal? They’re everywhere. But with some common sense, they know better than to ask all the time. Or ever.
Anything from a threesome to an orgy counts in this category. For some reason, you just like to get it on with more than one person. Some people might feel daunted by the excessive number of limbs, but not you. You crave attention, and the more people to kiss your ass and call you hot, the better. Maybe it’s an all the time thing, or just when you’re feeling extra ~naughty~ but there’s just something about having more than one bang in bed that gets you going. You’re the first to hit up someone you’re interested in, head to the dance floor, or go TOFTB. If we’re not busy making out with you, we’re probably busy hiding our boyfriends from you. Beware. Beware of the “wants a lot of people in bed” bitches. They’re lethal.
Ah, receiving oral. For most of us, it’s secretly our favorite. I mean, come on. What’s not to love? You get to lay back and think about what you want for dinner while someone makes it their sole mission to get you off. And when it’s done, you’re either so turned on that you have sex, or you’re just like “that was cool let’s eat some pizza.” If this is your favorite, you might be a littleeee lazy. It’s fine. Admit it. You’d rather enjoy orgasm after orgasm without worrying about the other person. Oh yeah. Speaking of that other person, you’re also just a bit selfish. Part of the joy of sex is mutual stimulation. Or at least, that’s what they want us to think. If you’re on the receiving end of an oral-giver, lock that tongue down and ring it by spring. You and your genitals can thank me later.
There’s a reason this is the big one. The main one. The one we’re told not to do until we’re married and then do with as many people as possible just because it’s so damn great. If this is your favorite, you get it. You might not be the most original, but there’s a reason why classic is always the best. You know the joys of breathing heavily down someone’s neck as they don’t quite hit the spot you wanted, and that moment of sadness when the orgasm you almost had drifts away. The clean up. The aftermath. The “condom or no condom” debate. Wait. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Old school sex is great…
But the only thing better? Solo sex. Flicking the bean. Masturbation. If this is your favorite, you know how to have a good time. You’re not above ordering some General Tso’s chicken and lazily getting off while watching reruns of The Office. You enjoy spending some quality time with yourself, and you know exactly how you like it. Who needs someone to love, you sob, as you replace the batteries in your vibrator yet again. It might not be the way to winning someone else’s heart, but when it ensures you the entire bed, the good snacks, and the ability to do whatever you want in your free time, it’s pretty much worth it. Who needs a relationship when you have an endless supply of AAs and some Chipotle?
And in case you want to feel less (or more) alone in your preferences, here’s how some of the preferred methods broke down.
What's your fave:
— Rachel Varina (@yeah_okay_what) February 18, 2016
Happy orgasming, sickos..