The word “flirting” is such a simple word for such an intricate art. It’s completely outdated considering we’re not middle schoolers anymore, but we need a shortened version of the term “persuade this dude to buy me the next couple drinks, because who the hell knows where I just put my credit card in this bar.” Flirting is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes, or without having to tell a blatant lie about why she’s not going to take off her clothes. (This dress took three of my sisters, 20 minutes, and a new pair of Spanx so I could fit–you’re damn right I’m staying in it.) Batting your eyelashes or flashing a smile may seem like the most basic of moves, but we all know the personality behind them is so much more than that. However, even the slightest toss of your hair can be perceived as flirting nowadays, not that it’s necessarily a bad thing. With our dazzling techniques, we’ve managed to get out of speeding tickets, inch up our grades at the end of the semester, and convince a pledge that there’s totally a handle of vodka he could find for us. After years of embarrassing ourselves through carefully folded preteen love letters, we finally got our strategies on lock. Here’s the messages your classic moves are putting out:
You’ve perfected the head-tilt, one arm around him, one arm on his chest picture and know just where to place your hand on his leg when asking him if he wants to go somewhere a little more quiet. You were labeled as “boy crazy” back in the day, and you still wear that title proudly. Whenever one of your guy friends walks in anywhere, he’s quickly greeted with an “OH MY GOD, HIIIIIIIII” and a crushing hug from you. A crushing, legs wrapped around him, screaming in his ear hug when you’re intoxicated. You may have been kicked out a semi-formal once or twice for repeatedly trying to grab the bouncer or party bus driver’s butt. If you’re wearing lipstick out for the night, all boys who know you better be prepared to end up with your Kate Barlow mark on their cheek. You’ve idolized Regina George for years for her fabulous way of handling men (literally) in a way that forces other females to step back and accept your most recent claim. Tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back, girl. One of your favorite lines includes telling him just how good that shirt looks on him, and you never lean in to speak to him directly without holding his arm. You always know the balance between letting him know just how interested you are without overstepping some boundaries. Girls envy you, boys adore you, and bartenders laugh and shake their heads at you. You’ve never let anything get in the way of getting what you want, so why stop at potential suitors?
Practically the polar opposite of The Toucher, The Sasshole sometimes struggles with being able to pick up the opposite sex. With a hard exterior and quick wit, your flirting may be mistaken for actual insults. You never mean any harm–it’s just your way of showing interest is being able to shoot the shit with the guy. You’re attracted to the class clowns and show-stealers, and you’re practically nauseated when he suggests cuddling after sex. You’ve begged your friends your whole life to teach you how to actually flirt and be a vixen, but it only led to moments that your entire sorority still makes fun of you for. Calling a guy “big daddy” isn’t a thing anymore? Oh. You probably didn’t have too many relationships in high school, and most guys thought of you as their buddy back then. However, after finally learning the proper way to do your eye shadow and gulping down four or five vodka sodas, you just might be able to cuss your way into a man’s heart. You’ve never been a fan of the guys who claim to be sensitive or big-hearted. That’s nice and all, but you want someone who’s able to put up with your crude sense of humor and serve it right back to you. But first, you have to find a median between being playful with a guy and possibly bruising his ego. “You go to THAT school? HA! Sorry about your dick size! Wait! Come back…I was only trying to hit on…well, shit.”
Do you remember the “fluff and retreat” move from the movie “Aquamarine”? Fluff his ego with a compliment, then walk off, enticing him to chase you. Except you take the move a little too seriously and scamper away before he even has a chance to look up. You wouldn’t say you’re exactly nervous around boys, but you’d be willing to admit you get a bit speechless sometimes. You envy The Sasshole for always having a quick comeback, even if it is a little harsh. At some point in your college career, you most likely made a game out of your disappearing antics, literally causing a guy to go after you. Hey, it works, and it led to that one awesome story you get to tell your grandlittles for the rest of time about how you managed to hook up in the kitchen without the fraternity’s house mom walking in on you. When the night is coming to a close, you’re notorious for stealing his last drink before he can catch you, or just barely dodging your friends when they try to throw you in the backseat of the sober ride. You love being free and doing your own thing at a party, and you’re always more focused on where a good table would be to dance on top of rather than trying to find a late-night mate. When a guy actually does get a bit hands-on with you, you don’t mind it at all. He just better not expect the moment to last any longer than 20 seconds before you’ve darted off to your next location. At least it always leaves him wanting more…?
You would be classified as the original example of a flirt. Always tucking your hair behind your ear, laughing at every word the man says…or doesn’t say. Hell, he could blink and you could probably find yourself cracking a smile. You never try to be the ditzy, “you’re like, sooooo funny” kind of girl, but sometimes it just comes out–especially when you’ve been drinking. Being in a social atmosphere only heightens whatever buzz you’re feeling, causing you to get a severe case of the giggles whenever a cute gentleman approaches you. However, you’re a great ego-booster for the guy. He probably thinks his game is untouchable that night with the amount you’ve been unable to get a sentence in from laughing so much. Your go-to pose for pictures with boys is the totally-not-posed candid shot of you throwing your head back with him smiling down at you. Who can blame you though? That shit is adorable AND you look like you’re having the time of your life in every photo. Win-win. Just be careful walking the thin line between the happiest drunk in the world and complete airhead. You know you’ll be able to hold conversations with him, but your way of letting him know you find him irresistible unfortunately leaves you without much to say besides something relevant to him considering a career in comedy. (All he asked was if you wanted another drink, take a breather.)
If your text convos have a majority of blue bubbles rather than gray or if guys seem to be doing nothing but chugging their drinks as fast as they can around you, I am here to be your wake-up call. Like any confident, charming sorority girl, you have plenty of potential, but like any confident, charming fraternity man, you may be wasting it in all the wrong ways. Your idea of flirting includes talking about how many kids you want before your date can even put his napkin in his lap. You think it’s hilarious to bring up the voodoo and witchcraft you learned to put on your ex from the fourth grade, and you’re confident it’s the reason why he didn’t get his dream internship last semester. At a party, you can be found sipping your drink in the corner, staring down the entire room from above the rim of your Solo cup and being sure to slowly smile at the boy who accidentally makes eye contact with you when he walks by. You don’t intend to be so overwhelming with your flirting techniques–you just like to be straightforward and to the point. At this point in your life, you’re either going to break up with or marry the next person you date, so why not shoot for the stars? He needs to be informed on what you’re looking for in a partner and of what kind of breakfast food he likes best so you can have it anonymously delivered to his 9 a.m. after sharing a magical, blacked out saliva exchange together..