I just recently–and by recently, I mean about five minutes ago–recovered from binging on the entire three seasons of the HBO series “Girls.” If you haven’t seen it, put down the protein bar you’re eating and stop getting ready for the gym. Come on, you weren’t going to go anyway. Don’t even think about leaving your apartment again until you finish the 32 episodes of the best female show of all time.
“Girls” is, without a doubt, the most relatable show for college and postgrad women because, uh, they are actually us. As with most shows, we automatically try to decide what character we are (just call me Carrie from “Sex and the City”) and who all of our friends would be. Naturally, we usually proclaim ourselves as the best character on the show. When it comes to “Girls,” though, it’s not quite as cut and dry, because all of the characters sort of suck and sort of rock. I decided to make a cheat sheet for you (without giving away too many plot points, you’re welcome) to figure out which “Girls” character you are, because it’s called priorities.
Hannah Horvath
If you have some serious anxiety and weight problems and are an extremely judgmental person who thinks she isn’t judgmental (read: high maintenance) then you’re a Hannah. She totally lets her sexuality hang out–like, really hang out–and she isn’t afraid to bone the lovable and not so lovable losers we encounter on the norm. She wants to be happy in a relationship, but when it comes down to it, she won’t let anyone shut her up or hold her back from her dreams.
Advice: Take a look in the mirror. You aren’t the best person around, either.
Marnie Marie Michaels
If you’re, like, really pretty with a voice that sounds like a mixture of Fergie and Jesus, but you’re also a homewrecking bitch, then you’re a Marnie. Yeah, yeah, you’re crazy hot and every guy wants you. We get it. But you look for validation by banging everything that moves, even if it will crush your friends. You use money as a way to keep people close to you–oh, and your vagina. Despite your hoe-bag ways, you want nothing more than to keep the friendships you have intact while running away from your biggest fear: change.
Advice: Hoes before bros, bitch. Hoes before bros.
Jessa Johansson
If you like screwing, snorting, and causing serious mayhem everywhere you go, you’re a Jessa. The ultimate free spirit, Jessa is the girl who we all are nonstop concerned about but also nonstop jealous of, because she lives life by her own terms. She isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, and she usually takes it a little too far. She won’t let anyone talk down to her, and she tends to be one step ahead. She takes the lead, but disappears on a whim. While she might not have her shit together often (or ever) she remains a loyal friend and is always there to offer unparalleled wisdom–or a drugged up monologue, you decide.
Advice: Sometimes it’s okay to be bored. Really.
Shoshanna Shapiro
If you’re the kind of girl who took one sip of the sex drank and all your innocence (and education) went out the window, then you’re a Shoshanna. You seem like an innocent, little house cat, but then you get white girl wasted and maul everyone to death with your pent up hatred for literally every aspect of your friends. You’re basically the epitome of a sorority girl: cute, overly (fake) nice, and you totally think your boyfriend is a screw up until he bangs your friend and you decide you want him back. Because you love him. Obviously. Despite her voice (like, so annoying) and her mean drunk ways, we can’t help but love Shosh for being a girl who is more proud of your accomplishments than even you are.
Advice: The nice ones always crack first.
Nice Move309
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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