Everyone says they want a boyfriend. They want someone to rub their vagina feet and go to lame events with them and tuck their hair behind their ears and tell them they’re pretty. Or that’s what they think. Most people say that want a relationship when really? They just want a social media prop. Which is fine, because the truth is, having a boyfriend gives you tons more things to post on Instagram. I mean, you have one other person to document, you have someone to drag you out of the house, and if all else fails, you can post a selfie of you two and call it a day.
But once you finally land this prince in shining Afterlight, the most important component to documenting your relationship on social media is, of course, the couple pose. With lots to choose from, you have to pick wisely and know what works best for you. Because the pose you pick says more about your relationship (and how many likes you’ll get), than you think.
Hand On Chest
The hand on chest pose is the reason girls get boyfriends. Nothing says “this is my property” quite like putting your claws directly over his heart. Chances are you probably call him “this guy” on Instagram and he still #WCWs you, even thought that was sOoOooOoo 2015. When you two aren’t busy watching Netflix, eating pizza, and living the basic life, you’re busy making everyone else jealous. You might not be the flashiest couple, but you still have what a lot of other people don’t — a boyfriend. And that’s good enough for you.
Cheek Kiss
The cheek kiss can be tricky. If the guy is kissing the girl (and she’s doing something cute, like pulling on his tie or acting like she’s too cool for his admiration) then it’ll work. It shows that he likes her and she quite literally has him by the balls. Basically, what every female wants to flaunt on social media. If the girl is kissing the guy, however, it shows that you love him. Like really, really love him. Which is fine. But we’re all going to think you bake him muffins from scratch and give him blow jays on the reg, so just expect us to hate you, okay?
Piggyback
Underrated and out of style, the piggyback pose says all of the right things in a campy sort of way. It shows that he’s strong, it shows that you’re skinny and light, and it shows that he’s okay with your hot vag rubbing against his back. Most likely you took this picture while you were skipping stones at a lake, visiting the local soda fountain, or going to a drive-in movie. Sure you’re old fashioned, and no one has done this move since Grease but that just means you’re *unique.* Just because your picture looks innocent, it doesn’t mean you’re above parking in some secluded spot and going for a ride, if you know what I mean (sex, I mean sex).
Mouth Kiss
A mouth kiss picture is basically like going on stage during a Taylor Swift concert, becoming best friends with her, joining her squad, co-writing a song about how much you love your boyfriend, then becoming a worldwide sensation for it. It’s not so much that you’re being scandalous, but you’re being about as PDA-y as you can with without actually being in front of people. You probably call each other “babe” really loudly in social settings, eat off of each other’s forks, and giggle about how you’ve used the same toothbrush on occasion. What?! It’s hard to tell whose is whose, lol. Just pardon everyone in the world as they gag, both on your love and your lack of oral hygiene.
Arms Around Each Other
Nothing says “we’re somewhat socially awkward and don’t know what to do with our arms” quite like the ole hug picture. Maybe you were caught off guard, maybe you’re just lazy, but when it comes time to snap a picture, you cling to him the same way you cling onto your brother, a child who’s a part of your philanthropy, or like those fake trees you posed against for elementary school pictures. Despite the oh-so-basic-we’ve-been-doing-this-since-before-we-could-walk angle of your body, the truth is you value each other a lot. You’re not totally worried about raking in the social media likes, and you’re usually so busy watching obscure documentaries on Netflix or having roleplay sex to care about social media validation. Good for you, hipster.
Hand Holding
One of the more basic of the poses, this one isn’t as commonly seen as the others because it lacks the sexually charged air that we crave. Hand holding is usually reserved for being on a beach, being ironic (like in the middle or a bar or standing in line at the DMV), or for virgins. While it will get some likes because it’s oh-so-cute, it won’t inflict the envy that you crave from social media. Sure, people will say you look adorable, and it’s true. But you also look like you only do it in missionary, you still wear your retainer every night, and you actually complete your service hours. When you’re walking hand-in-hand on the beach with a new two carat princess cut on your ring finger, however, the joke will be on all of us non-philanthropic haters.
Something ~Sexy~
We get it. You’re in love. You’re passionate. Your sex life is better than all of our sex lives. Maybe it’s a naked, in bed selfie, maybe it’s his hand on your ass or your tongue on his face (I don’t know, guys, there’s some weird shit out there). Whatever your choice is, you want everyone to know that you’re the hottest couple around. You’re the first girl out in “never have I ever” and everyone turns to you to hear stories from last night. You’re the Samantha of the group, and you’re down to try everything (and everyone) once. Your life and your social media are far from PG-13, and as long as you can keep your grandma in the dark, you’re pretty happy about that.
Silly
And finally, the worst of the worst and the best of the best. The silly picture. If pulled off incorrectly, it will make you look like a tryhard couple who doesn’t actually enjoy each others company. But if pulled off correctly — and let’s be real, you do pull it off correctly — it can make you look like the couple. The ones who bang each other’s brains out before hanging out like the best friends you really are. You’re the couple people enjoying spending time with, and you get an influx of #faves and #bestcouple hashtags every time you post a picture of the two of you. Your pictures might not be perfectly posed or edited, but your relationship? That’s where you reel in the likes.
You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand likes, or something like that..
This featured image is a stock photo from our database. The people photographed are not in any way associated with the story.
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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