What Your Ponytail Placement Says About You

What Your Ponytail Placement Says About You

Top Of Head

The every-pony for the every-woman. The high pony is the ponytail of the basic bitch. Most of us will fall into this category. When you wear your hair up you are telling the world “Hey look! I’m still a girl! You can tell by all my hair up here!” It’s not your everyday look, but if you must fuck with a hair-up situation, because it’s hot, or you ran out of dry shampoo, or you’ve put on yoga pants to run errands and want to look like you’re actually going to work out, you’re going to do the most. Your goal is to look cute, but not rock the boat by doing anything crazy in pretty much every aspect of your life. Everyone likes you, but you don’t stand out.

Off Center

You’re a chill girl. You think your off-center pony is fooling us. It’s not a full side po, because you are not a child. But you put it purposely to the side to make it look like it just “fell” that way, because you ~so~ don’t care. But the truth about chill girls, yourself included is this: they’re not really chill. You just want the appearance of being chill, which, in fact, makes you less chill than the extra bitches who put their non-chill on display.

Mid-Level/Back Of Head

Well let’s not beat around the bush (pun very much intended): you are a lesbian. Or at least a huge tomboy who has never dared to wear pink. This is widely accepted as the least attractive ponytail placement because you can not see your fucking hair. But your ponytail is not so much about ~the look~ and is 1000% about utility. You want your hair out of your face so you can do activities like sports, and camping, and eating box. You don’t care if you look like a boy in the process, as long as it fits through the back of your hat during your softball game.

Low (No Hat)

This pony provides very little in terms of functionality. Your hair is still going to be on your neck, and the low pony means your roots are still exposed, so you opted for a ponytail even when your hair was clean. Wild. You’ve probably straightened or curled your hair even to put it up, {{que chic}}. If I’m putting all that effort into my hair, it’s staying down, but you’re either confident or extra enough to spend an hour on a hairstyle normally reserved for people at the gym.

Low With A Hat

Your hair is so dirty that not even dry shampoo can save you now, and if you try just to wear it down with a hat, your ears pop out. This says nothing about your personality, other than you are maybe a lazy piece of shit who still wants to look cute, but with no effort.

Half Down

You hate your hair up, but it’s fallen flat, or gotten dirty, or is too tangled to wear down, and you don’t have time to fix it. That’s it. You’re probably super girly, and feel like no matter what your pony looks like, it still makes you look male. It doesn’t, because you are wearing a dress or a bodysuit 100% of the time, and you’re literally wearing $500 worth of makeup on your face at this very moment. This hardly even counts as a pony to the rest of the world, but to you, this is as “up” as it will get.


Go fuck yourself.

Image via Shutterstock

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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