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What Your Resume Would Say About You If You Weren’t A Liar

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Joanne College
717-555-8234
Columbus, Ohio 

OBJECTIVE:
To obtain a full-time position in any company that will hire me at this point. Bonus points if it’s actually relevant to my major.

EDUCATION:

Monscare University, Bachelor of Arts in Drinking and Netflix
• Related Courses: Visual Communication (watching Netflix in class with subtitles), Organizational Communication (spending hours on Pinterest) Statistics II (skipped almost every class to day drink), Women and Gender Roles (brought wine to pregame trivia night), Principles of Marketing (created Snapchat masterpieces that rival the Mona Lisa).
• GPA: Higher than my average BAC, so it’s actually pretty good.

Thesis: “I Did The Whole Paper The Night Before It Was Due: An Adderall Binge”

WORK EXPERIENCE:

MGH Marketing, Intern, June 2013-August 2013
• Reached level 212 on Candy Crush Saga
• Sat in on three meetings
• Remembered the CEO’s coffee order, received a head nod in gratitude.
• Proficient in GChat

El Toro Hermano, Server January 2011- Current
• This has nothing to do with my major or what I want to do, I just want you to know I’m not really bumming off my parent’s money
• Learned how to deal with people while nursing a hangover
• Learned how to avoid my manager when sending an important text

SKILLS:

• Can shotgun a beer in five seconds flat
• Know how to paint a cooler that will never chip
• Can parallel park decently
• Can fix a dress with only a hair tie
• Can steal anything from any male without him noticing (specifically shirts)
• Somewhat productive when hungover
• Proficient in: slapping the bag, drunken heart-to-hearts, keg stands, holding hair back, Microsoft Office, chopsticks
• Can finish a Netflix original series season in one night
• Can quote whole script of “The Sandlot” and “Mean Girls”
• Can paint nails with left hand quite well
• Balance: will stand and dance on any raised surface and NOT fall (at least 89 percent of the time)
• Can walk in 6 inch heels
• Know when appropriate to shave legs
• Can stretch a dollar into a new dress, three bottles of wine, and Chex Mix

ACTIVITIES:
• Sister of the Delta Beta Upsilon sorority
• Planned “the best social ever” with Beta Kappa Tau fraternity
• Created a beer bong out of a flamingo
• Only caught and sent to Standards twice in whole college career
• Won “most likely to black out before chapter” and “life of the party” awards

MISCELLANEOUS
• Was sorted into the Gryffindor house by an online quiz
• Consider self to be a Samantha Jones type of woman

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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