Unfortunately, some really great things in life have terrible consequences. For example, a great night out drinking leads to a vicious hangover. A great four to seven years of college lead to the worst form of social limbo, where waking up at 9:30AM is considered sleeping in and you’re expected not to direct sexual comments at the interns. Then, there’s sexual intercourse. As great as it can be (sometimes, depending on a lot of factors, of course), this too has a less than desirable end result: the expulsion of fluids. Sex is all fun and games until the penis decides to stop being a train to pleasure town and instead decides to become a fire hydrant of sticky white fluid with varying viscosity. Trust me, I’ve seen a LOT of semen in my day, and I’ve realized that expulsions of jizz are like snowflakes. No two are identical, and if there’s a lot coming at you at once, the best you can do is stick out your tongue and try to catch what you can. I always thought everyone disposed of semen in this manner, but after extensive research, I’ve realized preferences for semen disposal are as varied as liquor selections. Essentially, this column is the sexual spin on “What Your Drink of Choice Says About You.” Well, that is, assuming your drink of choice is cum.
Finishing Inside The Condom
If this is your preferred grand finale, a tip of the hat to you. I think this is about as clean and wholesome as causing someone to ejaculate can get. A girl who prefers her gentleman caller to finish into a latex barrier is both smart, health conscious, and probably still has most of her self-respect intact. Of course, finishing inside the condom alleviates the worry of the transmission of STDs, and more importantly, lessens the chance of the worst STD conceivable: pregnancy. If you make your guy keep a condom on throughout the duration of your slam session, I can only assume you also like missionary and have never entertained the thought of a threesome (don’t dance with the green fairy in Ibiza). Here’s my thoughts on condoms. As handy as they are, they are also awful. Take your arm and lightly graze the top of it. That feels nice, doesn’t it? Now, put your arm underneath a table or desk and graze the desk on top of the spot your arm is located. THAT’S HOW SEX WITH A CONDOM FEELS. Moving on. If your preferred method is letting your guy set his tadpoles free into a Trojan pond, you’re probably more focused on your own sexual needs than your guy’s, which means you’re definitely secure in your own sexual prowess. You don’t give a fuck about pleasing him further once he gets off, because obviously, his business is his business.
Pulling Out and Finishing On Your Back/Stomach
I think this is a little more risqué and a little hotter than making him finish inside of a condom, but it’s ultimately a huge mess with multiple responsibilities to mitigate in the aftermath. Do you use a towel? A nearby T shirt? A napkin? Do you just get in the shower? So many variables when it comes to cleaning it up. I think letting him finish on top of you is the ultimate IDGAF move, because you are giving a blatant “not my fluid, not my problem.” If you’re the type of girl that expects the guy to take care of everything, I’m guessing you’re more of a receiver who enjoys a doting boyfriend.
Finishing On Your Chest
This is a move used by girls who are about a six on the Daddy Issues scale. You’re letting him do this because it’s obviously somewhat gratifying for him to finish on your rack than your back, and there’s also the trade-off and assumption that he’ll be helping you wipe it off. This is obviously more degrading than the “finish in the condom” or “finish on your stomach” method, so if this is your go to, you probably like a guy who will spend 40% of his time ignoring you, 20% causing you to second guess yourself, 30% actually liking you, and 10% remaining completely indifferent.
The Facial
Facials are pretty high on the Daddy Issues totem pole, because you’re basically saying, “I lost my self respect long ago and now I’m willing to do whatever you find gratifying and pleasurable.” I used to be so terrified of Elmer’s glue that I used to bully ugly girls into gluing my art projects together in elementary school. Imagine how horrifying it is to have someone play Spiderman and go venom all over your face. Facials, like most other things depicted in pornographic films, seem like a great idea in theory, but are just a disastrous mess in practice. Semen does NOT come out of your hair in less than three shampoos. Ejaculate is the bodily fluid equivalent of glitter. You think you’ve gotten rid of all of it, and then three days later, you’re still in the shower cursing the last time you thought it was a good idea to use it. However, if your preferred brand of night cream is less La Mer and more de la Dick, I’m assuming you’re a real freak who’s into all sorts of fun stuff.
Swallowing
Your attitude in the boudoir is quite patriotic, really, because you ask not what your mouth can do for you, but what your mouth can do to prolong the orgasm of your man candy. Swallowing after sex can be a difficult predicament because it either A. involves the swift removal of a condom in order to fully ingest the seminal fluids or B) implies the absence of a condom during the entire process. If you’re willing to raw dog it and then put him in your mouth, you’re clearly uninhibited and game for pretty much anything. There may be a study that charts the direct correlation between the frequency of your father’s business trips growing up and the number of times you’ve sent sperm down your throat like a cheap tequila shot, but I can’t be sure because I’m not a scientist. Either way, I do know that spitters are quitters, and a real lady never spits anything. I also think it’s a shame to ruin high count Egyptian cotton sheets with semen, which somehow hardens almost instantly, so…take from this what you will.
- Image via 1000awesomethings.com
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