Dear Guy Who Stands Behind Me At The Gym,
Hi. Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m the owner of the ass you always plant yourself behind at the gym. I think we should talk.
Are you aware that gyms have mirrors? I know it’s hard to tear your eyes away from my behind, but please take a second to notice your surroundings. Please locate emergency exits to the left, right, and the mirrors surrounding all four walls of the workout facility. When you choose the machine right behind me during my squat workout, I notice. When I move to the elliptical and you pick the spin machine behind me, I notice. When I go to the treadmill and you dawdle awkwardly at the nearby water cooler for 15 minutes, I notice. Can you see a trend here? For the love of all that is good, please at least be a bit more subtle so I don’t feel the need to work out with my keychain pepper spray in my hand. I’m trying to hold weights here, and you’re making that difficult.
Yes, I know that “guys can’t resist girls in leggings” or whatever. But what else, pray tell, are we supposed to work out in? Yoga pants are for lazy days, but they’re also for yoga, which is why we wear them to the gym. No, we didn’t wear them to turn you on and grab the attention of every man in the room. We wear them because they’re workout pants. I can’t help that today’s workout clothes consist of yoga pants, leggings, and Nike shorts. However, you CAN help where you stand in the gym. If you’re distracted, please relocate accordingly.
I’m not here to be ogled. I didn’t enter a beauty pageant or climb into an exhibit at the zoo. I’m here to do serious work. I planned my meals around this. I’ve been listening to pump-up music for the last hour. Bikini season is right around the corner, and I’m motivated, focused, and ready to sweat. Please stop distracting me by creeping around behind me like you actually want to use that spin machine. You know what would make that derrière you can’t stop looking at even more attractive? Leaving me alone and letting me focus on my squats. I’m here to work out, and you should be, too. If it’s asses in spandex you’re here to see, I’d be more than happy to lend you my Jillian Michaels DVD set.
Even though you’re creepy, there’s a weird part of me that wants to say thank you. I will never, ever respect you as a human being, and I will always shudder when I pass you at the sign-in desk, but I have to say I’m a little bit flattered. After all, I am here to achieve results, and I’m a little bit proud to have a rear worth admiring. I know I’m no Jen Selter, but do you know how many lunges it took to get me here? You’re distracting and you’re rude, but at the end of the day, you give me a tiny bit of a confidence boost. I’m proud that my hard work has paid off–just don’t be surprised when I only use the machines at the back of the wall from now on, okay?
See you next Tuesday,
The Girl Who Stands In Front Of You At The Gym
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