What’s Your Crazy Girl Love Language?

What's Your Crazy Girl Love Language?

Sometime in the ‘90s, Gary Chapman wrote a book about Love Languages, and honestly, it was a decently important psychological finding in the way of ~relationships.~ There are different ways to show people you care about them, and different ways people need you to express yourself to them to make them feel cared for. Knowing your partner’s, friends’, and family’s love languages is a good way to make sure no one feels neglected, because everyone deserves to feel affection in the way they specifically need it.

There are five love languages, officially:

Words of Affirmation: Give me compliments, tell me how you feel.
Physical Touch: Cuddle me, hold my hand, literally just touch me.
Quality Time: Spend time with me, where we’re focused on each other.
Acts of Service: Do little things for me without me asking.
Gifts: Give me tokens of your affection.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that while all that stuff is nice, none of them truly represent quite what makes me feel cared for. Simply put, when it comes down to it, jealousy is my love language. My crazy girl love language anyway. WHICH IS YOURS?!

You feel and show your love through jealousy. So when you are out and you see some girl looking at your man and give her a slow, silent, neck-slice motion, this is because you are showing him how much you care. You’ve started fights with your boyfriend for conversations he doesn’t even remember having about other girls, and shoot him dirty looks for even mentioning that any other girl in history is pretty. Nobody is pretty but you, and he should know that. In turn, you expect your boyfriend to kind of lose his shit when he sees you talking to another guy, because how are you supposed to know he cares if he’s not big-dicking some dude because he talked to you for three minutes? It’s not because either of you are insecure, it’s because you care.

Social Media Claimage
It’s all good and fine if he knows how he feels about you, but frankly, that’s not enough. You need the world to know — including his aunt Sheryl (but especially that bitch Ashley), and the only way to ensure this is by leaving your mark on social media. You need to see yourself on his Instagram, sprinkled throughout his Snapchat, and frankly in as many comments on as many social media platforms as possible. This is the only thing that counts as real proof to you of his affections. When you give crazy girl love, your social media will be flooded with photos and videos “just hanging out” with him, and your Twitter will practically be a shrine to your relationship — you’ll even detail the fights when you’re mad! Which he loves.

Drunk Texting
Is it insane to send someone 32 texts in one evening, or do you do it because you care? Some girls hate the 2am “you up?” but if Drunk Texting is your crazy girl love language, you know that if he’s not thinking of you in the middle of the night after 15 beers, is he really thinking of you at all? He barely has any thoughts left, but YOU are the person who remains. It’s in these messages that both of you exchange vital information that you’ll do your best to forget come morning. As the relationship progresses, this may expand to drunk phone calls, and eventually drunk Facetimes.

Infiltrating The Squad
You show you care about him by showing you care about the people he cares about. And you want him to care about the people you care about. You become a part of his squad, and he becomes a part of yours, and eventually your squads cross over to form a mega-squad, and all the people who love you both are all in one place, so he never has to leave you, ever. And who knows? Maybe you can even get his squad on your side sometimes. Look how much you care about each other! Level up by starting to call his mom, and making plans with her so that all of the women in his life are a united front.

Leaving Shit At Each Other’s Place
He accidentally left his toothbrush behind, not because he forgot it, because he is sending a message to you and the world that he needs a fucking toothbrush there, because he intends to come back. Can you say romance? Maybe you start small with a hair tie and some bobby pins, but eventually, you’ll just move the fuck in. You’ll pee all over the damn place. Figuratively. Or literally, I don’t know your life. His physical belongings mean his emotional longing. And you’re that bitch who never ever leaves with all the shit she came with. Good for you.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]

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