I think it’s common knowledge, but in case anyone doesn’t know…
Eskimo Brothers – (n.) two men who have engaged in intercourse with the same woman
For the life of me, I’ll never understand it, but men, in many cases, really enjoy making Eskimo brothers out of people who were formally mere friends. If you’ve turned enough fraternity brothers into eskimo brothers you might even be named their sweetheart. You also might want to get tested. Among ladies however, sleeping with the same person is hardly an event to bond over, and more often than not it’s a reason to judge the shit out of someone you don’t even know. But what about when you DO know her? If you’re anything like me, you tend to only go for guys who are soulless (see also: have hooked up with everyone). Chances are high that, when you potentially have a whole lot of eskimo sisters, at least one of them is going to be in your sorority.
This is usually a yucky thing, but there are some instances where it is absolutely NOT ok to engage in a slam sesh with someone who has porked your sister:
1. They are still hooking up.
Girls love to pretend that we can separate the physical from emotional, but I’ve seen it time and time again…”We’re just having fun…we’re just having fun…we’re just having fun…” BAM! You find out he’s just having fun with someone else, and suddenly she’s the devil, and you’re in love. So don’t do it. Just don’t. It’s easy to tell your sister that his slampiece #2 is a fat ugly whore, but this becomes increasingly difficult when the fat ugly whore is you.
2. She loves him.
I don’t care if they only hooked up for a month two years ago. If she still texts you when she sees him at the lib, you can NOT hook up with him. If he was her boyfriend, or “practically” her boyfriend (which may be nowhere near reality), or she just has lingering feelings for him for no apparent reason, find someone else. She’d be devestated if he was with ANYone, and you’ll probably regret all the accidental shit you talk about her in hopes of making him you like you when he clearly picked her first. Jealousy doesn’t look good on anyone, and this is a sure-fire way to lay it on the both of you pretty thick.
3. She hates him.
There are two viable reasons for any given girl to hate any given guy. The first is that he’s just a mean person who has insulted her for no reason. Most guys, however, don’t go around saying mean things to girls for the fuck of it, unless he’s drunk and she’s fugly, which fortunately doesn’t describe anyone with whom you’d ever chose to associate with. The other reason is that he fucked her up…bad. If he made her cry more than once, or said horrible things, because he knew he could still have her, or somehow turned her into the kind of crazy she didn’t know she could be, when she FINALLY escapes him you are NEVER to EVER even look at him, unless of course, you never want to speak to her again.
So when is it ok? Well, technically never, but let’s be real. In the Greek Community making out is like shaking hands, and there are circumstances where it’s permissible to not feel like a TOTAL shitbag when you’re the sloppy second:
1. If they had a one-night stand, long enough ago that there’s no chance she’ll hear from him.
Typically, I’d say a one-night stand has the shelf-life of about 2 weeks. If you haven’t heard from a guy the following weekend, he’s not interested in having contact with any part of you that isn’t your vagina. If two weekends have passed, don’t expect to ever figure out if his name was Andrew or Anthony. By the one month mark, you may see him out and not really be sure if it’s him or a lookalike. Once a sister reaches the point where she only thinks that’s the guy she went home with after your 7 Deadly Sins mixer, he’s fair game.
2. You ask permission
It’s a shitty feeling when you fall for a guy who’s boned your sister, but it happens. If you really just have to have him, you should just suck it up and ask her. It’s wayyy classier to ask than to do it behind her back, and she may even say it’s ok. But keep in mind, if she says no immediately ABORT FUCKING MISSION. He may be fratty and wonderful, but he’s a college boy who will probably turn out to be an asshole anyway. Not worth it.
3. You’re really not that close with her.
Blah blah blah sisterhood, blah blah blah I like everyone. You don’t have 173 best friends. How do you define “not that close?” It’s simple. If you’re not close enough to know about their history, you’re not close enough for him to be hands-off. She absolutely still reserves the right to hate you, but no more than any other girl she’d hate for hooking up with him. You didn’t technically do anything wrong if you ask me.
4. If they never sealed the deal, and she never had feelings for him.
If she never had his penis in or around any of her orifices, and she didn’t have any feelings for him, you can do whatever the fuck you want. It really pisses me off when girls think they have rights to every guy they made out with. You don’t. Sorry I’m not sorry.
So there you have it. The do’s and don’ts of becoming eskimo sisters. If you break the rules, you can get past it, and even if you don’t it could be uncomfortable for a little, but either way it will be something you’ll look back at one day and laugh. OR something that’s super awkward and you never ever mention again.
Nice Move501
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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