Friendships are something you should cherish because good friendships are hard to come by. But I’ve recently realized that I’m harboring a bunch of SHITTY friendships because I don’t want to be the bitch who cuts her friends off, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. We all have those shitty friendships. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt because at one point, you had lots of fun, drunk times together, but their existence has started to annoy you so bad that you are scared of what you could actually do to them if they pushed the wrong button when you’re PMSing. At this point, I’m so desperate to get as far away from friendship bullshit as I can, because if I don’t, I might end up in jail.
She Gives You A Shitty Christmas Present
Let me start this point by saying that I don’t care about materialistic presents. But when my “best friend” decided to give me a picture of HER AND HER BOYFRIEND for Christmas this year, I was absolutely appalled. I sat looking at the picture for a solid 45 seconds with my mouth dropped to the floor. I got that bitch a personalized coffee mug, lipsticks, and aroma therapy soap. You know, GOOD STUFF! At first I thought it was a mixup. Surely she couldn’t possibly think it was acceptable to give me a picture of her and her boyfriend for Christmas, but she did. There was a personalized note to me on the back. “THANKS FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND!!” Girl. Bye.
She Bails On Your Plans, Repeatedly
My hands aren’t clean in this one. I love my bed more than any human interaction on the planet. I require 10 hours of sleep every night to function. So from time to time, I have bailed on plans to stay in bed. But I’m talking about making big plans, best friend road trips, girls weekends, and then she bails because she can’t afford it, only to see her on a trip to the Bahamas with her boyfriend two months later. Cut her off.
She Doesn’t Pre-Approve Your Selfies
Are you really friends if you don’t send her your selfies to see which one is the hottest? And then once you pick which one is the hottest, send four different edits to see which one looks best. If you send her your selfies for Instagram approval and she doesn’t text back, cut that bitch off, immediately. It’s girl code 101 to know that you have to be there for your friends in their times of need. Your success is her success, and vice versa. If she won’t help you pick a selfie, she won’t help you pick a wedding dress someday.
She Won’t Get Drunk With You Anymore
When people get older, they change. You can’t go out five out of seven days a week anymore without putting one foot in your coffin. But the times you do go out together, you should be going balls to the wall. If she refuses to have fun with you because she “doesn’t like to drink anymore” AKA “her boyfriend doesn’t like her to drink when he’s not there,” cut that bitch off.
You Become Her Personal Diary
You are supposed to be able to talk to your friends about anything, and a good friend has her shoulder available and ready to ugly cry on. But when it’s not reciprocated, that’s when we are going to have a problem. For example, I recently was talking to my friend about a guy I was sort of seeing and she instantly changed the subject about her and her boyfriend. I actually lost my mind on her. Yes, this is the same girl who gave me the picture for Christmas. I told her, “Why does every conversation we have, have to come back to you and your boyfriend?” She answered, “It’s how I relate to what we’re talking about….” No. It’s how you change the topic to yourself. Bye.
This may sound like I am just annoyed with all my friends who are in relationships, which I pretty much am, but I also know when to be a good friend and how to be a good friend. If you are constantly having to refrain from rolling your eyes at your friend, constantly biting your tongue, or trying not to just straight punch her in the face, it’s time to cut that bitch off..
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