It’s a familiar scene. You’re home for the summer and it’s your first family gathering after a long semester. You equal parts missed all of these crazy people and are dumbfounded at how this is the DNA and blood that makes up who you are. The craziest part is all those adults you’re observing and avoiding — yeah, that’s going to be you in about ten to fifteen years. The biggest question is are you going to be cousin Kate, two failed engagements in or aunt Karen, happily single and eight vodka tonics down? You’re most likely are already showing signs as to what drunk relative you’ll be someday and it’s only a matter of time before you’re the one getting sloshed at BBQs and talking about when you were in college.
A timeless classic, this bad AF bitch will be found at every function be it Christmas Day or watching her kids ride bikes in the street with a glass full of red clutched in her manicured fingers. But class like this doesn’t just come along with the suburban two and a half story house, three kids, and a Range Rover. You are born and bred a Wine Mom.
The future Wine Moms of America are currently in training in various universities across the country. They come in freshman year with their planners full, Patagonia vests on, and eyes set on their goals. The Wine Mom makes up about 80 percent of any given chapters exec board. They rarely go through the full freshman party girl phase and if they do it’s short lived and they quickly move to sipping vodka sodas and taking care of their sloppy friends Wednesday through Sunday.
The Vodka Aunt would never be caught dead arriving at any function completely sober. There is about an 84 percent chance she has ruined at least one Christmas. Similar to the Wine Mom, she is not a character who can simply be taught. You grow into the Vodka Aunt. When looking at a young up-and-coming Vodka Aunt, you see the girl who is well versed in what the best route home from frat row is on a Sunday morning. She’s the one who suggests a pregame every time. Seriously in her mind, anything and everything must be pregamed. Class? Pregame. Chapter? Pregame. Easter Mass? Pregame.
She’s also never had anything close to a committed relationship. When she’s younger she’s happy about that and is more than pleased to continue her collection of shack shirts, but as she grows into a senior you’ll see a plethora of failed “almost relationships.” Guys love the Vodka Aunt and the Vodka Aunt loves guys, but commitment just doesn’t seem to belong in the equation.
You hold the upmost respect for this bitch. This is the grandma who is taking absolutely none of your or cousin Sam’s shit at family dinner. You get your damn elbows off the table and tell her why you’re still single and if you backtalk your mother one more time you’re getting shunned. She’s responsible for bringing this whole family into the world so you better believe she will take you all out. She’s been pouring Baileys into her morning coffee since before you could walk.
You can spot a young Baileys Grandma easily. She’s the friend who has never once sugarcoated that that top makes you look fat. But she’s also the one with the best advice around. If you’re caught being upset over your ex-thing dancing with another girl while you’re out, she’s telling you how stupid you are, ordering you a shot, and pointing out that cute boy who’s been staring at you. She most likely is living by the motto “You don’t make history being well liked” by the time she’s twenty-four. Fear her. Love her. Be her.
You’ve always looked up to the tequila cousin. When you were twelve she was twenty-two and a senior in college so she seemed like the coolest person alive. You overheard her telling your other older cousins wild stories about parties and all of her crazy adventures. Now she’s around thirty years old and you still want to be her. She lives in a big city and she’s had a long-term boyfriend for a while who you’ve had a crush on since she brought him home when you were fifteen. The whole family is waiting for him to propose and it’s sure to be the wedding of the century.
The Tequila Cousin in training is the cool chick. Everything she does is cool. She’s the friend with the clothes you’re constantly wanting to borrow and the life you want to steal. She has thousands of social media followers who border on being fans. Everyone knows who she is and it’s hard not to feel blessed in her presence. Her flaws come in the form of being too busy with all of her cool obligations. She’s the first to suggest shots and the first to suggest hangover brunch in the morning. If you’re not her, you want to know her.
No matter how old you get, just remember: you can take the girl out of college, but you can’t take the college, or drinking habits, out of the girl..
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