Let me paint the erotic picture for you, shall I? You’re in bed (let’s a say a king, but most likely a twin XL, or a full, if you’re lucky). You’re with a hot AF guy and things are getting ~steamy~. He’s kissing your neck, you’re muttering porn star-level phrases, and you’re so close to getting it on that you can taste it. Almost. That’s the only problem. Those clothes are basically off, and so are you, but before the big show, you need a little warm up. The only problem? You don’t know who should make the move. It’s the dreaded, awkward game of “who should go to Oral Town” and millions of couples (or fake couples, or “I wish we were a couple but he’s being a little bitch”) deal with this every day. So, in an effort to help speed things along and get everyone off, I’ve created a handy guide to help you know who should be crawling down the covers.
I don’t like to think of it as just a guide for your tongue. I like to think of it as a guide for your heart. You know. If your heart was in your vagina.
You Both Just Worked Out
Situation: You’re a #fitcouple and dying to get even more sweaty after getting sweaty.
Verdict: Neither. You’re already wet enough (from perspiration, sickos). Don’t test your gag reflex or let him get a whiff of your post-cardio panties. Grab some lube or just go for it. May the friction odds be ever in your favor.
You’re Making Out, Missionary Style
Situation: You’re just getting started. You’re on your back (praise) and he’s kissing you. Clothes may or may not be off at this point.
Verdict: He should 100 percent go down on you. Just don’t move and he should get the signal. If not get up and go make some pizza rolls. You’re better than that shit.
You’re Making Out, You On Top
Situation: You’re straddling him, most likely kicking ass, taking charge, and getting a standing ovation (his penis. I mean from his penis). Again, clothing is optional.
Verdict: I mean, you know what you need to do. You’re on top. You’re leading the situation. The move is yours to make, and the penis is waiting. Sorry.
You Haven’t Showered In Awhile
Situation: Maybe it’s been since the morning. Maybe it was yesterday. Maybe you don’t want to say how long it’s been. Whatever it is, it. Is. Not. Good. TBH, I’ve been told it doesn’t really matter. I call bullshit, but whatever. It’s been a bit, and you feel sorttttt of weird about him going down there. At the same time, you lowkey want it.
Verdict: If you have the chance, do the classic “I have to go to the bathroom” trick, run some water, and do the classy washing-your-vagina-in-the-sink move. If things are moving too fast, either suck it up and get over the fact that it miiiiight smell like a Red Lobster down there, or trade places and go to town on him. And then, you know — consider showering more now?
He Hasn’t Showered In Awhile
Situation: You’re obsessed with the guy. Obsessed with getting it on with him. Not obsessed with how he smells at the moment.
Verdict: He should go down on you. Get in position for this to happen (missionary). If he’s not making the move either say something ~sultry~ like “I want you to get me wet” or just grab some lube (read: spit in your hand) and admit defeat.
You’re On Your Period
Situation: Ye ol’ red sea has come to town.
Verdict: Some girls are pro letting him go down and just holding the period blocker string out of the way. Don’t be one of those girls (or do. I don’t know your life). Either go down on him or just get to work. You’ve got enough juices to get things moving without his help.
He Said That The Show You Were Watching Is Dumb
Situation: You were watching Gossip Girl/New Girl/Keeping Up With The Kardashians and he made fun of it.
Verdict: He better get to Vagina Station, and get there fucking fast.
You’re Both Hungover
Situation: You went out last night. You woke up with a pounding headache and a pounding libido. But the thought of moving your head is enough to make you want to die.
Verdict: Honestly? Rock paper scissor to see who’s doing the deed and hope for the best (pro tip: throw paper. Thank me later).
You Went Sort Of Crazy On Him For Something Stupid
Situation: He didn’t get you flowers “just because.” He forgot that it was your monthaversary. He said you were “pretty” instead of “beautiful.”
Verdict: Come on. Admit it. You were being a bitch. Either buy him a six-pack or suck it up. Literally.
You’re Both Feeling Lazy
Situation: You’re cuddled up on the bed. You know you want to have sex, but you want to move as little as possible.
Verdict: Remember 69ing when you were dating your high school crew boyfriend? Time to bring that shit back. This way you both win, or lose, depening on how you want to look at it (but don’t look at it, btw. The view is not one to be desired).
This Is Your First Time Hooking Up
Situation: You’ve never gone down south on this specimen before, but things are getting steamy below the equator.
Verdict: It depends on what first sex impression you want to make. You can be the dominant one (blow jay away) or the submissive one (lay back and take that tongue), but whatever you decide, open your mouth, or your legs, with confidence.
This Is Your First, And Most Likely Only, Time Hooking Up
Situation: Hello, one-night stand.
Verdict: If he wants to go down on you, and you don’t think he’s crawling with diseases, then fine. But you don’t need to greet his wiener mouth-open if you’re not planning on seeing him again. Save your saliva and your lockjaw for someone else.
You’re Together But Not Exclusive
Situation: You’re dating. Right? Yeah. I think. But you haven’t had “the talk.” And let’s be real, you think he’s hooking up with that slutty girl who keeps Snapchatting him. Bitch.
Verdict: Maybe, maybeeee if you really like him. And you’re feeling nice. And it’s not to completion. Most guys want a girlfriend who gives blowies. But then again, why would he date you if he’s already getting tons of them? Don’t be afraid to throw a messy beej his way, but don’t do it too often and become “the blow job” girl. Tread (and suck) with caution.
You’re Dating And Basically Married
Situation: Same ol’ same ol’.
Verdict: At this point, you just switch off, both do it, or are doing weird AF things that we don’t even know about. If you can’t decide who should go down on each other, just toss a coin and get going. #MarriedLife
He Did Something Nice For You
Situation: You know the cute things you always wish he would do for you? Yeah. He did it. Flowers. Food. A cute Instagram shoutout. Whatever it is, it was great.
Verdict: You know what to do.
Now stock up on some mouthwash, and enjoy those orgasms. You, and your tongue, earned them..
Nice Move244
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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