Daenerys Targaryen: Chapter President
Dany is the perfect woman, and if she existed in the realm of your Greek community, she would most definitely be your chapter president. You know, the girl who constantly looks like she’s ready to star as the lead frolicker and glitter-blower in a recruitment video. She has all of her shit together, everyone looks up to her, and she has big plans for the future of your sorority. She probably belongs to a million different campus organizations, and she excels at all of them. Despite the fact that she’s constantly busy doing important shit, she always looks perfect. You’re convinced that she’s never even had a hangover, even though you see her taking bombs and chatting up perfect 10s on the regular. You want to hate her because she’s so perfect, but she’s pulled through for you upwards of ten times. You’d battle all of King’s Landing for that bitch.
Khal Drogo: FWB
You don’t really know anything about him, and it’s probably best that way. You two are on an exclusively P to V basis, and his thriving sex drive leaves little time for conversation. You were first pushed together at a chaotic frat party, and exchanged numbers the next morning as you attempted to locate your left stiletto. Since then, the two of you have spent most Saturday nights together after bootycalling each other at 2 o’clock on the dot. He’s an absolute animal in the sack and you don’t want to ruin your chemistry by getting to know too much about him. You usually say goodbye to one another before 7 AM the next day, and carry on with life as if the whole thing never happened. Eventually you realize that you have intense feelings for him, for reasons other than his core muscles and dangerous smile. If only you knew his last name.
Brienne of Tarth: Intramural Goddess
She looks like she could battle half the wrestling team, she always has her head on straight, and you freak out on the rare occasion that you see her in makeup and heels. Brienne is that chick in your house that works out non-stop. She leads several intramural teams, and basically runs shit when it comes time for homecoming sports and rallies. She’s kind of butch, but she’s so kick-ass and full of energy that you feel like a potato every time she’s in the same room as you. She might make you look like a total dud, but you know your chapter would be screwed without her leading any and every athletic opportunity.
Jon Snow: Fraternity Crush
Jon is that unattainable slam that you can’t seem to get your hands on. You’ve tried a million times, but he just isn’t interested in you or any other sorostitute that throws herself at his feet. He might’ve had one or two hookups in the past, but he’s not one to sleep around, which makes him even more adorable. He’s a genuinely nice guy, which makes the situation so much more of a struggle. He spends most of his time focusing on his classwork, adjusting his sick flow, and being a total gem at whatever exec position he was unanimously elected to. You spend most of your time imagining him naked and plotting different ways to kidnap him.
Margaery Tyrell: Token Slutty Friend
Marge is always down to have some fun. She’s the type of girl who shows up in your room looking spotlight ready ten minutes after you send her a text asking if she wants to go out. She’s generally lighthearted, but you know that she can mindfuck the shit out of any guy she wants to. She’s crazy manipulative, undoubtably gorgeous, and a vital key to at least seven Greek circles on campus. She’s always on a mission, and doesn’t hang around guys unless there’s something in it for her. Ulterior movies be damned; she’s a boss ass bitch and you absolutely love having her psycho ass around.
Joffrey Baratheon: Demon Ex
Every time you see him from a distance, the “Jaws” soundtrack plays in your head and you come up with an excuse to walk in the opposite direction. He talks shit on you to all of his brothers, spreads rumors about you, and tries to start a fight by saying something snarky every time you run into each other at the bar. You know it’s not worth it, but you’d kill to see him get his ass beat into the dirt. He has also probably hooked up with one or more of your sisters, just because he can and he knows it’ll piss you off. More than anything, he constantly makes you wonder: “What the hell was I thinking?”
Sansa Stark: House Drama Queen
This bitch has been through the ringer, and now spends her time telling others about her multiple, certifiably crazy ex-boyfriends and insane family drama. She always has a new problem, and everyone knows about it because she’s pretty enough to be a huge deal. She can usually be found in the middle of the living room, surrounded by at least ten of your sisters, complaining about her newest problem and probably crying. She would be way more annoying if her problems weren’t so persistent and legitimate. You feel bad for the poor ho, and that’s the way she likes it.
Cersei Lannister: Power-Hungry Standards Chair
Cersei is a dick, and you and everyone else wish she would chill the hell out. She has made her way to exec, and clings to her position with an especially determined death grip. She is the tyrannical leader your chapter doesn’t need or deserve. She allowed a very small amount of power to go to her head, and thinks that she runs shit. She passes unfair judgement and will get you in trouble no matter what you do, because she’s a sadistic bitch with very few hobbies outside of bossing people around. The worst part is that she partakes in all the activities that she gets people in trouble for, and for that, everyone hates her. You know she has a soft side somewhere, but you’ve never seen it, so it might as well just not exist.
Jorah Mormont: You Friendzoned Him
He has spent his entire collegiate career madly in love with you, for reasons that no one can really determine. He borderline stalks you on campus, and probably doodles your name in his chem notebook. He’s your best guy friend, and he’s the person you call to come rescue you from your one-night stand’s house the next morning (even though it kills him to see you sporting another guy’s t-shirt). His friends give you shit for leading him on, but you know that he’s going to love you whether or not you keep him close by. He probably deserves a shot, but you’re too busy chasing after a much douchier dude to notice..
Nice Move262
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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