I don’t believe any girl who says she’s never been rejected by that guy. Come on, that’s bullshit. We’ve all been there. Every single one of us. I pretty much have a Ph.D. in this field–I’ve learned a lot about myself, the tendency of the male gender, and the misunderstandings of females when it comes to this topic that is sometimes difficult and embarrassing to talk about: unrequited feelings.
The most dreaded words uttered during any serious talk with the opposite sex have always been, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and while movies have a great deal of fun using this in a joking manner, in real life, it’s actually not so funny.
A series of events unfold after hooking up with someone (sometimes consistently, sometimes not) and eventually, there has to be a talk about where “this” is going. More often than not, it ends with you realizing that you wanted things to go above and beyond that of the other party, and he’s left trying to explain why it just can’t happen. Through this talk, he usually explains that (1) this just isn’t what he wants right now (2) he’s still getting over a past relationship (3) he isn’t the type of guy to “like” in that way (4) he has to figure things out (5) he’s not in the right place for this right now, etc. Notice in all of these statements, he talked about himself: things HE needed, things HE had to fix, issues with HIM.
Unfortunately, as a knee jerk reaction, our mind always goes to the same place when this happens. The first thing we think of is ourself–that we did something wrong, that we said something, that we were too clingy, that we pushed this to happen, that we’re not good enough for him, that we need to change ourself to be the person he would want to be with. And then at one point, it finally hit me: it’s not all about me.
I’ve spent years assuming that “it’s not you, its me” was this bullshit statement that guys use to get a girl to give up on them without having to deal with the aftermath of them crying hysterically (cue the Elle Woods dinner date scene) and sometimes with scummy guys, it is. But sometimes, even when it’s hard to accept, their unrequited feelings have almost nothing to do with us. And we shouldn’t take offense to it.
We’ve all been in situations where logistically, whether it be from a packed schedule at school, a stressful job, family situations, living arrangements, or other stressors, we just can’t have a serious, functioning relationship. And we’ve all been there at some point where we’re hung up on a past flame and need more time to sort out our feelings and issues before we bring ourselves to open up to someone else. Or maybe we really do like someone, but we know our tendencies to not always be loyal, so we want to save that person the trouble. So why are we willing to accept the idea that when we don’t like a guy, it’s because of issues we’re having, but when a guy doesn’t like us, we also assume it to be issues of our own?
Maybe I’m giving guys too much credit here, and maybe they really do tend to use this excuse to let girls down easily, but I know this: regardless of the accuracy and honesty, I think a lot of girls need to start taking this approach to the situation. Stop thinking it’s your fault. Stop thinking it’s something you could have done differently, or something you need to change about yourself. The majority of girls who are put in these situations are the nice ones, the accepting and forgiving ones, the ones who are quick to put the blame in the complete opposite place of where it’s suppose to be: in their own court.
So for your own sake, peace of mind, feelings, and self-respect, please know that it’s not all about you. And sometimes, that’s a good thing..