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Why Disney World Is Actually The Stupidest Place On Earth…

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…for a honeymoon. Don’t get me wrong, weddings are fantastic. If everyone could get married with an open bar and have decently hot, single groomsmen in the wedding party, I think a lot of us would be much better off. However, there’s one tiny issue that I’ve noticed recently that should be more concerning to the betrothed community. When I begin to plan my “happily ever after” with my new hubby, I don’t ideally think of consummating my marriage in a place where cancer patients go to fulfill their Make-A-Wish dreams. Disney World is where childrens’ imaginations become a reality, and you terrible couples out there with your matching bride and groom Mickey ears are crossing too many lines for this behavior to continue.

Disney and all of its extravagant beauty is pretty amazing. We all grew up in this fantasy culture that let us believe we could do whatever our hearts dreamed. It’s a place that gave animals the ability to speak perfect English, and we shouldn’t get rid of that type of magic, but it’s not the place where you take your new hubby to romp out your first few weeks of wedded bliss. It’s creepy and you’re an adult, so go be an adult in an adult setting. Go to a tropical island, go white water rafting, visit the mountains of Greenland, but please just stay away from a place that has more child changing stations that actually bathrooms on the premise.

Go on a honeymoon to an exotic location–think the sandy shores of some unnamed country where your puka shell necklace-wearing bartender tells jokes as you sip your umpteenth margarita and dry hump your hubby at the bar–because these are places where it’s acceptable for newlyweds to bone whenever their dirty, little hearts desire. But in the wonderful world of Disney? You better start wearing two pairs of underwear because your junk isn’t seeing the light of day until you get home. Smanging anywhere besides your hotel room is punishable by death (I assume) and why–WHY–would you want to? There are children around every corner to catch you and parents who would love to get your name on a list that keeps you 500 feet away from a school at all times. Major buzz kill.

If you’re able to get yourselves hot and heavy at any point on your trip, it will ultimately be shot down when you seen thousands of screaming children who will change your mind about ever giving birth, looking at, or even thinking about kids for the next 50 years–or until your ovaries dry up and fall out. Whichever comes first. Disney is centered around children, and while they may look cute in family photos or while sleeping, they ultimately are going to ruin whatever romance is left of your lousy honeymoon and make you wish that humans never procreated at all. Save the Disney trip for when you actually have kids and a legitimate reason to visit the land of Walt. Don’t go there and ruin the first weeks of your marriage. There will be plenty of time to hate each other later.

Last, but certainly not least, have you ever taken a moment to check out the attendees of the happiest place on Earth? Like, REALLY looked at them? These people make that People Of Walmart site look like the royal family, and they’ll be in the background of every single one of your photos. You have been warned.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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