Why Everyone Should Partake In 69ing

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I didn’t want to have to do this. You readers must think all of us at TSM, TFM, and PGP are completely sex-crazed (while somehow selfishly prudish) assholes who only care about getting off. And I’m not going to totally disagree. Seriously, why does everyone hate performing oral so much? Basically, the people at Grandex have some serious sexual problems.

As an exhausted TSM writer, I’d like to officially wave a white, semen-covered flag and surrender. Like, why can’t we all just get along like we used to? Because our loins are burning for human contact? EXCUSES. I am here to present the argument of all arguments on oral stimulation. It’s called The 69, folks, and it’s the winner.

  1. It’s time efficient.
  2. You get to just lie there with your mouth open. It’s our basic stance.
  3. If you’re going to go down on someone, you might as well have someone go down on you to ease the blow (buh-dum-cch).
  4. The only risk of pregnancy is if the sperm makes it to the stomach and sprouts babies, but I hear that only happens, like, 7 percent of the time.
  5. There are two awesome positions to choose from: the beached whale and the fetal positon.
  6. There is nothing sexier than feeling like a beached whale lying on another beached whale.
  7. And if the beached whale position isn’t sexy enough, feeling like a baby sucking another baby’s genitals should really get you going.
  8. The view! Have you seen the view? You either get a close-up of an upside down man-sausage or a lot of vagina and asshole.
  9. It’s a compromise in the sense that no one is happy and no one wants it, but it’s better than nothing.
  10. Few things are better than having a dick rammed into your mouth while you feel teeth on your vag.
  11. Teamwork. You do the teamwork thing. For America.
  12. You experience a new level of intimacy with someone when you sit on his face.
  13. Few angles are sexier than the ones that happen when women get into and out of the 69ing position.
  14. I’m talking chins on rolls on chins on nostrils.
  15. It’s a race. Whoever gets there first wins, and whoever doesn’t hates everything.
  16. Victory cums to those who don’t wait.
  17. You don’t have to fully concentrate on the fact that other human is licking your dirty bits, because you are also licking another human’s dirty bits.
  18. You get to really practice multitasking.
  19. No one gets to feel like a sex god when 69ing. Everyone is on an equal playing field.
  20. And by that, I mean everyone seems awkward, gross, and vastly un-sexy.
  21. The chances of you getting off are slim, but that’s why it’s so rewarding. It’s like finding a rare gem. Or pretending you found a rare gem.
  22. 69 created fakers because we just want it to stop.
  23. Pretty sure the guy fakes it, too.
  24. I don’t even know how a guy would fake it, but I’m pretty sure guys fake it when 69ing.

Shit. Fuck it. After further review, 69ing sucks (literally). Let’s just go back to being selfish. Or masturbating. None us deserve happiness. Or orgasms.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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