Take me seriously, please. I can’t help it that I look like this.
1. “You look so cute!”
PLEASE TELL ME I’M SEXY. The pink princess dress I had when I was five was cute. This isn’t cute–I’m borderline naked.
2. “Kids’ menu or regular menu?”
I totally appreciate the options, because all I really want is macaroni and cheese, but I don’t appreciate the fact that I apparently look like I am among the group of “children who are 12 and under.”
3. “Are you comfortable sitting in the exit row?”
Completely, I’m a natural born hero. This isn’t bad, but then the stewardess usually stands there for an uncomfortable amount of time, obviously attempting to appropriately phrase her next question: “Just checking…how old are you?” Older than 15, thanks.
4. “Are you 21?”
Yeah, that’s what my ID rightfully says. I especially love holding up the line while you look down at my license and back up at me a couple million times. Keep it coming.
5. “Would you like a wine list?”
Yes! Oh, kidding–you were asking my parents. Bring on the lemonade with a lid and a straw.
6. “Are your parents home?”
Like, no. Well, maybe. I don’t know. They live five hours away.
7. “So, I’m guessing you’re the youngest.”
How did I know you would guess me? It’s like I have ESPN or something.
8. “You look so grown up!”
That’s funny. I’ve never seen a grownup pat another grownup’s head. Pinch my cheek one more time–I dare you.
9. “What high school do you go to?”
I think the correct word here is “did.”
10. “Would you like a lollipop, sweetie?”
I’m fighting every urge to say yes right now just to prove a point.
11. “This picture is from high school?!”
Yes, I know you can’t tell them apart from my middle school pictures.
12. “Maybe you should just push up your boobs a little bit more.”
Maybe that will detract attention from my face and I’ll be able to get into the club…
13. “Is your mom coming to get you soon?”
Believe it or not, I actually drove myself here. Legally.
14. “Do you want to go out with me?”
This would actually be exciting if he wasn’t either 15 or 45.
15. “Wait, I thought you were so innocent!”
I’m glad you’ve finally realized I’m the spawn of Satan with chubby cheeks.
16. “You’re wearing so much makeup!”
So, does that mean I look like a 5-year-old playing dress-up or a cheap hooker? Please say hooker.
17. “You have to either be 17 or have a parent here to see this movie.”
Please don’t make me sit through another sex scene with my mom just because I forgot my ID.
18. “Isn’t it past your curfew?”
What? Does anyone have a curfew after high school? Oh, you think I’m in high school. I get it.
19. “Don’t you think you’re a little young?”
It’s strange how this literally applies to anything.
20. “I have two adult tickets and one child ticket.”
This is a pretty common phrase for a night out with my age-appropriate friends. But on another note, this is a total score.
21. “You’re going to be thankful you look so young when you get older.”
Actually, yeah, this is true. Thanks, Mom.