Why I’m Tired Of Seeing Babies On Facebook

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Dear People Who Use Their Children As Their Profile Picture,

You confuse me. Seriously. I open my Facebook for an afternoon (or morning, evening, mid-class, while eating, at the gym, while peeing, while pretending to listen to my friend talk about whatever it is she’s talking about) stalking sesh, and you make me do a double take. I don’t mean that in a good way. Don’t be flattered. I’m just scrolling along, minding my own business, judging girls, and stalking the clusterfuck of people who I stalk on the reg, and all of a sudden–BAM! A baby.

I get confused, because I think about the list of babies I know who have a Facebook and I come up blank. Then I’m like, “Okay, well one of my friends who also happens to be an infant must have just gotten a Facebook. Cool.” Oh, wait. No. That can’t be right, because I am a GROWN ASS WOMAN who doesn’t have baby friends. I don’t even like babies. Some girls fawn over them, and like, that’s great I guess, but I don’t even know how to hold–let alone play–with an infant. Do they fetch? When someone asks me if I want to hold her 10 pound shitting machine, I respond with a polite, “No, I do not want to hold the result of your drunken night in Cancun, thanks. But I will hold your bottle of wine.”

I’m not saying I don’t get it. If I pushed an actual person out of my vagina I would be pretty impressed with myself too. I’d want people to compliment the shit out of my baby–except not really because LOL at cleaning up a miniature person’s shit. I can’t even make my boyfriend eggs without reminding him at least seven times that I made him eggs. So, making something out of your own eggs (that isn’t just a cholesterol-filled breakfast) is brag worthy, I’ll give you that. But do you really need to make your pruney vagina bullet your profile picture? I don’t make my scrambled eggs my profile picture, and I bet it took me longer to make them than it took your on-again off-again boyfriend to put that baby in you.

The thing is, you make your 18-year obligation your profile picture and put a caption that says, “My princess is the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s okay if everyone is confused, because according to my profile picture I am no longer an adult. I pulled a Benjamin Button and am, in fact, a child,” and I question my life. Should I have a baby? Does every woman’s vagina rip to her asshole when she pushes out a screaming pile of organs? How could this be the best thing that ever happened to you when there are “Law and Order: SVU” marathons on EVERY TUESDAY?

So, to all the babies who happen to be profile pictures: stop mooching off of your parents. Go get your own Facebook and stop being little attention whores–that’s a job for freshmen at happy hour. And if I ever happen to make my future mistake my profile picture when I accidentally get pregnant, please unfriend me and go back to watching “SVU.” Also, send me ointment for my torn vagina. Thanks.

Most Sincerely,
Your Babyphobic Friend Who Actually Unfriended You

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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