I have never orgasmed from sex. I’m sad to admit it. I wish I was one of those girls who sat at the brunch table and boldly told all of her friends just how many times she got there the night before. But I have never felt that rush of pleasure. That intense build. That big climax when I’m with a special guy. I feel like a misfit. Like I’m missing out on this huge party that everyone’s going to and I’m looking in the window, spying. From the outside looking in, I just want to figure out what the big deal is about.
In my defense, it’s not like I have sex daily and I still can’t get there. But I’ve had my fair share of practice and still can’t seem to reach that point. It’s frustrating to work so hard, only to be left disappointed each and every time.
I’m not saying sex isn’t fun. Sure it is. I like doing it, and will hop on (literally) board anytime I feel like it. But as I go through the motions, I stress about whether or not this time, with this guy, with this penis will be the time that changes everything. And yet, as I grind and groan, I always end up rolling over when it’s over, wishing more than anything I felt what the guy next to me was feeling. But I don’t. I haven’t. I can’t fucking orgasm, and it pisses me off.
Everyone always talks about how good a guy was in bed. And at this point, I don’t even know what that means. My ex lasted maybe five minutes, on a good day, and the last time I had sex with a guy I told him to stop because I wanted to sleep instead. Maybe it’s because my vagina isn’t getting there, or maybe it’s him. Them. All of the guys. Either way, things just haven’t been looking up for me. Meanwhile, my friends tell me all about how they’d go multiple rounds and orgasm numerous times. I smile and nod and act like I get it, but inside I’m screaming, wondering what I’m doing wrong.
It must be fucking nice to orgasm multiple times in a row. Hell, it must be fucking nice to orgasm at all.
The truth is — I am so incredibly jealous. I want in on the secret everyone else gets to experience, and I want to find out soon. It’s annoying because every time the sex starts getting better and better the guy I’m with makes this horrid face and two seconds later says, “Well that was good.” No, it wasn’t. At all. Maybe for you, but I’m disappointed. Again. Even worse, most times the assholes are then too tired to even try and get me off with their hands or mouths. But instead, I’m left laying there, frustrated and confused, wondering why he gets to feel so good, and I get to feel, well, nothing.
It just sucks. The guy I’m with always has a great time since he gets off, but my experience is only sub-par. It’s always sub-par. And it’s not fair. Guys finish. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. And if they don’t, it’s the end of the world. Meanwhile, no one has been able to bring me anywhere close. So I go through the motions and make the right noises, but in my head I’m wondering if I’m fooling him. I’m wondering if I can fool myself.
I’m sure sometime in the future I’ll understand what all the hype about sex is. But for now, I just don’t get it. Hopefully someday some man or some machine will make me reach the big O, but until then I’ll be over here, researching orgasm tips and wondering what all the fuss is about..
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