Anyone who browses Twitter, TSM, or just steps foot outside their house can see that lately more and more females are suffering from a serious condition: clinical desperation. Maybe it’s not always blatant desperate-slut-itis, but a more subtle form of…doormat, or a mild case of “low self respect” or the even more common “constantly being taken advantage of.” Whatever your affliction, fear not…I would like to share with you an amazing handbook for life, a map to aid in navigating the world of dating, and what ultimately should be the sorority girls’ Bible (move over, Good Housekeeping!)…..Why Men Love Bitches, written by renowned relationship expert and member of #TeamPillowTits, Sherry Argov. At first, I thought “well, I’m a bitch, and men love me, so….duh?” But in reality, it provided me with so many “ah-hah!” and “why didn’t I think of that before?” moments. I mean really, more lightbulbs went off in my head than there are at a Home Depot convention. I’ve gathered its most important points here.
RULE #1: Be a Challenge
I know what you’re thinking…fucking DUH. But there’s more to it than holding out until the second or third drunken bar interaction to let him go P in V. The key is not putting it all on the table up front, mentally, emotionally, OR physically. Make him work for it. For example, I never understood girls that cook four-course meals for a frat-daddy they’re just casually fucking. Like, all that effort? WHY? We’ve all heard the expression “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” right? So he’s REALLY not going to buy the fucking cow if you bend over backwards for him inside AND outside the bedroom. I mean, if you’re already sleeping with the guy, making his dinners, doing his chores and serving as arm candy at date functions, why would he slap the GF label on you and make it official if you’re already performing GF-like duties without demanding anything in return? Guys are always thinking “will she or won’t she?” And this applies to favors like cooking, doing sweet things for him, and showing you care as well as doing the weird stuff in bed. If you lead with a little bit at a time and keep him guessing, he’ll put so much effort into you that he’ll become your boyfriend before he even realizes what he’s doing. Clever, right?
RULE #2: Stroke His Ego
You can NEVER, EVER build up his ego too much. Trust. “Babe, this jar is SO hard to open! Can you help??” can make a guy feel like Superman. Obviously, you can open the fucking jar, but that’s not the point. If he’s proud of himself, he’ll never want to stop doing things for you. Sometimes the ego-stroke requires you to play dumb, which isn’t a bad thing in this case, because the key word here is “playing.” You aren’t really dumb. Actually, you’re smarter than he is, but he will never know that. How to put this strategy into practice? Whenever you argue, your best weapon is the phrase “you’re right.” Always let him win. THEN, you make sure he never does that thing “wrong” again, with your actions. He does something you don’t like? You go out with the girls and “accidentally” let your phone die…for twelve hours. Or, you’re “waaaaaay too busy” on the day you were supposed to help him with his English paper. Perhaps you’re even “SO sorry!” you didn’t make it to his fraternity’s party after your pregame (but, of course, if he has a party that you don’t attend, MAKE SURE you have another set of eyes there). This keeps him on his best behavior and he won’t have any clue that you’re steering the ship. Brilliant.
RULE #3: Make Him Happy When You’re Together
Okay, this sounds even MORE obvious than rule #1, but it IS hard to put into practice. One of the most important things in a relationship is that being with you has to be FUN and not feel like work (aka absolutely NO nagging, talks about feelings, etc.). If he has feelings for you, he will show it, and if you’re doing it right, he’ll make you his. So long story short, quit being a pain in the ass. Pull away if he’s a dick to you, but otherwise just be fun to be around (not the whiny bitch that most of us can be) and make his time from you feel like a fun respite, and he’ll want more and more of it. Oh, and as much as Sherry and I approve of manipulative tactics and playing the cat-and-mouse game, here’s the most important part. Once you’re sure he loves you? Be his complete and total sweetheart. Game Over.
This is only a teeny peek at everything the book has to offer between its red and white, lipstick-laden covers. Being equal parts self-absorbed and self-obsessed, I too found ordering a “self-help” book to be a major challenge, but one that was worth it in the end. Don’t you want to stop being known as the frat mattress? Seen as nothing but a pair of tits? Get your shit together! Trust in me, and trust in Sherry. Buy the Bible.
Follow me on twitter: @pinniespearls
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