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Why The Drunken Asshole Is The Only College Boyfriend Worth Having

Why The Drunken Asshole Is The Only College Boyfriend Worth Having

College is the only time in your life when you’re surrounded by thousands of guys who are all around your age, and would probably have sex with you at any given moment in time. I think we tend to take this aspect of college for granted because we’re engulfed in it literally all the time, but it’s one of the main perks of higher education. Why you’d want to tie yourself down to one guy when you have such a vast amount of different choices baffles me, but to each her own. If you’re going to have a boyfriend in college, there’s only one worth having: the drunken asshole.

“Asshole” is a strong word, but this guy definitely has a big personality. Take a look at Billy from the upcoming Total Frat Movie. He’s loud, he’s obnoxious, and he’s the life of the party. What’s not to love? Okay, “love” is a strong word. This isn’t the guy you fall in love with — it’s more like you drunkenly stumble into a relationship with him. Your first date was going out to breakfast after you slept over for the third time in a row. Actually, now that you think about it, most of your dates are breakfast dates, wearing last night’s makeup and this morning’s shame. But even when you look like a raccoon that got beaten up, he still wants to kiss you. The best thing about this kind of guy is that there’s no pressure. You’re probably not going to get married, and there’s no guarantee of how long it’ll last, but he’s exactly what you need at this point in your life. Enjoy it while you can.

If he’s an asshole, that generally means he’s pretty hot. Similar to the crazy/hot matrix for girls, the asshole/hot matrix for guys works because once a guy hears that he’s pretty hot a couple times, it tends to go to his head — the other one. And just like Billy in the movie, these guys tend to be man-whores. Not ideal boyfriend material, I’ll give you that, but they also don’t enter into relationships unwillingly. If they’ve even somewhat committed to you, it means something and they don’t take it lightly, unlike everything else in their lives.

Billy is the drunken asshole who makes a pregame turn into a party. He’s the first one to suggest taking shots, he’s always the first one to get really drunk, and it makes everyone else feel like they should drink more to get on his level. He’s the life of the party and has the stamina of an Olympic cross-country athlete when it comes to drinking. He’s in it for the long haul. He has a talent, no, a calling, for staying at the perfect level of drunk. He’s not sloppy; this isn’t his first rodeo. He has an iron stomach and hasn’t puked from drinking since his pledge semester freshman year, true story. If he’s not at the party, people notice. It’s not as fun and bad things happen, like people leaving before 2 a.m. This is the kind of guy you want to date, because he’s just as much of an attention whore as you are. He gets it. He’s probably attracted to you because you’re just like him, but in girl version. You love a good party and being the center of attention. He loves being known as “that guy” at parties, and being known as “that guy’s girlfriend” garners you just as much attention as it does him. “How do you put up with him?” people ask. You just shake your head and yell at him to take off his shirt if he’s gonna twerk on top of the beer pong table, coaching him like a pageant mom.

If you’re dating a Billy, you probably don’t think he’s an asshole, because you’ve seen a different side to him. He’s not always drunk, nor an asshole, and you cherish these moments because they are fleeting. He can be sweet, funny, and maybe even charming in a doofus way. You’re probably the only person who gets to see this side of him, which makes you special and part of the reason these guys are good boyfriends. They get to be normal with you. There’s no pressure to put on a show, but being with him is never boring, either. You enjoy each other’s company, and you’re completely fulfilled because you both know you aren’t limiting each other in these brief four to five years you have in college. Even if the relationship ends, it won’t be awkward or horrible, and he would definitely still take shots with you.

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Cristina Montemayor

Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).

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