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Why Your Eyebrows Are Your Most Important Feature Ever

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Some say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and we at TSM like to believe that. Basically, if you can’t get your brows right, you’re probably not getting much else right, either. While we all may joke about striving for perfect, Beyoncé-browed bliss, in reality, there is no better indicator of someone’s sanity than by checking out her caterpillars.

Now, before we begin, let’s have a quick history lesson. The eyebrow–which is derived from the Latin words “eya,” meaning “mental,” and “brouw,” meaning “capacity”–has always been a distinctive attribute in whether or not someone is considered a beautiful creature or someone who should probably consider investing in a large supply of paper bags to wear over his or her head. For millions and millions of years (probably), women have used the significance of the beloved eyebrow to evaluate neighboring women and men in order to decipher their intelligence and stability. Don’t believe what you read in textbooks–the eyebrow is for judging a person’s intellect. Almost every major event in history can be traced back to a pair of pristinely traced eyebrows. Wars have been waged for the sake of perfectly sculpted beauties, and men have fought to the death in the the name of the most stunning of arches. Can’t argue with science and history, people.

Let’s look at this sensibly. If you had just received a brand new puppy (yay!) and were going on vacation, who would be the best person to have watch your little bundle of fluffy joy? A) Bigfoot, B) Amanda Bynes, or C) Emma Watson? Well, obviously, option A is out. That dude hasn’t been to the salon for a waxing in YEARS, so he probably isn’t the one to ask. Option B is definitely out, because she’s been out of rehab for a couple weeks and her insane brows have already started ranting on Twitter, so you’re obviously not letting her anywhere near your precious pooch. So you’re left with option C, Emma Watson. As far as I’m concerned, she’s the only choice you would select since her brows have been immaculately shaped since the dawn of time. She won’t only treat your pup to the lavish life it deserves, but she’ll probably send you cute updates of your sweet pooch helping out at the UN offices (awwww).

In retrospect, yes, it may be petty to judge someone based solely off of two hairy patches on her forehead. But in retro-retrospect, talking to people is hard. Most of the time, they’re boring and not wanting to have a multi-hour discussion about which of your friends is the Rachel, Monica, or Phoebe of your friend group, or which Kardashian would be the best president, which is rude, but whatever. The eyebrows are a clear indication of how someone lives her life in the public eye and whether she takes into account that people are sometimes shallow and will make snap judgements about you and your personality based on your outward appearance. Taking the time to polish your body, as well as your mind, is something that women in modern times should be completely proud of accomplishing. We are not just seen as minds or bodies–we can be the ultimate package, impeccable brows included. That is why we must rely on the ever-prevalent brow to help us hone in on which individuals in society will be the right mix of fun and crazy to help us live long, prosperous, and perfectly arched lives.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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