Why Your Sorority Sucks: Chi Omega

Why Your Sorority Sucks: Chi Omega

Drew Magary writes an annual column series titled “Why Your Team Sucks” on Deadspin. Dan Regester decided to take that format and apply it to fraternities. Now it’s our turn.

Some people are sisters of Chi Omega. But many, many more people are NOT sisters of Chi Omega. This TSM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Sorority: Chi Omega
Well by putting my TSM career on the line and electing myself to write this series I figured I go for the big dogs first, which brought me to googling “largest sorority by members,” which brought me to you, Chi Omega or “Chi O.” So if I get fired, I’m blaming all of you basic bitches who have at least one Instagram captioned “love you like XO.” Yeah, we caught you.

Founded: Chi Omega was founded in 1895 at the University of Arkansas by four women and… a FUCKING DENTIST? I know the South wasn’t the most progressive in the 1890s but the only guy you could find to help you who wasn’t a total asshole was this creepy old man who your website lists no ties with the university itself. Dr. Charles Richardson is even pictured first as one of their founders. Just look at what a total narc this guy was:

 Dr. Charles Richardson

Jobelle Holcombe is the only one who seems to realize just how effed up the arrangement is. Her facial expression says “Do I really have to do this?” and looks like the inspiration for every struggling actress’ face on an SVU episode before some grotesque crime occurs. Just look at what the website quotes her to saying:

“When we looked upon that pin, our hearts then opened up to Chi Omega. Even though we were very young, we must have realized something about the spirit of the fraternity.”

Yeah you were very young, too young to be realizing the “spirit of the fraternity” with that old guy. How did you guys find him? What did your parents think? Applause to y’all, that takes some dedication to find a random local dentist to get your squad fully thriving. Sisterhood on fleek. But then the next part of what your website describes as your history makes me question everything again:

“With an increasingly popular national reputation and through the influence of alumnae and Dr. Richardson, 17 chapters were installed by 1905 when the Fraternity celebrated its tenth anniversary.”

17 chapters in 10 years is real impressive but I have some serious questions about this dentist guy. No dentist I know has that much “influence.” Damn, my dentist can’t even get me to floss nonetheless start a chapter of a sorority. Everything is just real sketchy regarding him and I just need more answers.

Famous Sisters: Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird, was a Chi O. Seriously shout-out to the University of Alabama Chi Omegas of 1946 for recruiting this clutch PNM who I would’ve never thought was into ~the srat life.~ Angela on The Office was also a Chi O… so that’s why your sorority sucks.

Size: 180 collegiate chapters, and 243 alumnae chapters with over 345,000 initiated members. I wonder if that includes the dentist.

Mascot: Owl. I can’t really shit on this mascot since my sorority’s own mascot is… well I’ll get to roasting that later.

Flower: White Carnation. They chose those cheap flowers in elementary school that you’d put in a cup with water and food coloring so they’d change color.

What Life is Like as an Owl:

Sister Julia

“I peed on the floor of my room in Chi O and my roommates hated me for like a whole day.”

Sister Courtney

“I woke up in another sorority’s basement with no shoes on and to this day neither me nor my friends have any idea why. But I was at least wrapped in a Chi O blanket.”

Sister Sam

“I was blacked once from a date event and came back to Chi O with a dog. I treated it so well. After an hour I realized it was plush dog. Nobody told me.”

Sister Nicole

“My sister was puking on the lawn of a frat so naturally I took her out to the bars where she then threw up in all their trash cans. Woops.”

Sister Avery

“I write death threats to my sisters on peanut butter so they don’t eat it.”

Why Your Sorority Doesn’t Suck: Chi Omega’s philanthropy is the Make a Wish Foundation, and they’ve raised over 18 million in 15 years so like these girls are amazing. A Chi Omega at the Omicron chapter at the University of Illinois, Lindsey, is a four-year ovarian cancer survivor herself had received a scholarship through an organization called Cancer for College. Her chapter went above and beyond to help fundraise for this campaign. They’ve almost completed their goal of $1,500 and you can help by contributing. You’ll also get some Will Ferrell lotion and shirts for donating.

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