The president of Sigma Chi has released their official statement with regard to the email.
We deeply regret the message that was sent through our listserv encouraging actions that are inconsistent with our values as Sigma Chis. The message was disrespectful toward women, and that is not who we are as a chapter. We have moved to suspend the individual who was responsible for the message and International Fraternity leaders are taking action to ensure proper disciplinary measures are taken. Rest assured that we are also voluntarily taking an internal review of our membership, to be sure that our chapter is comprised only of men of the highest character. Until then, we have voluntarily and proactively ceased normal chapter operations.
You know what every fraternity needs — and I do mean NEEDS? A vagina man. Vagina men are underrated. Ass men are everywhere. Tit men are weird (but much appreciated — I speak on behalf of the not-at-all itty bitty titty committee). The vagina man, however, is a rare gem in this sad, sad world. They’re the hardest to come by, but the easiest to come by. (*Attempts to high-five TSM Staff for epic orgasm joke. Receives disappointed head shake and a patronizing “too far.”*)
The following email, per our tipster, allegedly comes from Sigma Chi’s listserv at The College Of William And Mary.
Subject: Life, love, and pussy
Guys, I just want to put out an early semester reminder that life is good. You’re here, you’re alive, your penis may not always work, but it hasn’t fallen off yet; be thankful. I ask you all to take a few seconds off from complaining about the cold, or preparing your schedule for Spring 2016, and look around you. There’s beer to be drunk, porn to view, and sluts to fuck. Let me reiterate that last point: sluts are everywhere. While walking from class to class with your head down limiting exposure to the arctic winds of late, take notice of the feet shuffling by. See some riding boots? Some uggs? A hideous pair of rain boots without a cloud in sight? Now, raise your gaze from the footwear up, allow your eyes to wander from the feet up the long and slender legs of the lesser sex until finally you arrive at God’s greatest gift: the box.
Now stop. Take it all in, breath deep, imagine what kind of underwear she’s wearing, even entertain the idea she may not be wearing any at all, but stare as long as you please, they don’t mind.
Now refocus. That vagina needs you. Never mind the extremities that surround it, the 99% of horrendously illogical bullshit that makes up the modern woman, consider only the 1%, the snatch. Empires have risen and fallen at the hands of the female genitalia. It has made many men, and crushed countless more. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim, don’t be another statistic. Master your craft, hone your skills, and perfect your stroke. Put two moist sponges in a solo cup and fuck that until you get it right if you have to, but do not settle until you’ve done just that: gotten it right. I can’t do this alone boys. I’m losing sleep at night thinking of all the pussies crying out for a good fuck and not getting it, so I’m reaching out to you all in a time of need to initiate my community outreach program: Save the Sluts. Don’t let this beautiful opportunity go to waste. Seize the moment, stuff the box, and put the neglected pussies that haunt my dreams to rest.
Thank you all, and good luck.
I appreciate the sentiment, sir. I do. A lot of young college guys do need to get it right, because a LOT of young college guys have gotten it very, very wrong. But I just can’t stand for an email in which you use the term “box,” or claim that rainboots are ugly.
*NOTE: According to Sigma Chi’s president, who just emailed in, the email was sent across the listserv, but “we are not sure who it was or if they were even a member of our fraternity.”
Image via Sigma Chi W&M
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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