You love your boyfriend. He’s nice (sometimes), he smells good (most of the time), and he tells you that you’re pretty (all of the time). Despite the fact that he’s pretty damn great, every now and again you just need to get away. So how do you do it without offending him? By cutting your gums, trailing blood around your house, and staging your own kidnapping. Obviously.
Woman Kidnaps Herself to Avoid Planning Boyfriend’s Birthday Party http://t.co/XqNWRXHsUB pic.twitter.com/Ph5W9ibxhr
— Cosmopolitan (@Cosmopolitan) February 28, 2015
According to AZFamily.com, Jennifer Alvarez was feeling stressed. She was planning her boyfriend’s birthday party and it was getting to be too much. She decided that she “literally couldn’t even” and figured she would just, you know, leave. Because that’s the mature, adult way to handle a situation.
[Her boyfriend] contacted the sheriff’s office Tuesday evening after learning of Alvarez’s disappearance. He told deputies that Alvarez had stayed at his home the night before. He said he left his residence on Tuesday to take her home, but instead dropped her off at a house in Arizona City.
Deputies then went to Alvarez’s residence and found her at home. They said she told two vastly different stories as to why she went missing.
PCSO spokesman Jim Knupp said the first related to her feeling overwhelmed by the thought of having to plan her boyfriend’s birthday party, which was set to occur on Monday night, so she left. She explained that a dental filling “fell out,” which caused her mouth to bleed.
I mean, I’ll hand it to her, event planning is exhausting. You work your ass off, spend way too much money, and no one even appreciates it. So like, okay. I get it. The only problem was that after hearing her story, the police felt like something was off. So what does Jennifer do? She makes up a completely different version of what happened. Because she didn’t look crazy enough.
After noticing the weapons were missing, Alvarez said she feared her boyfriend would be angry so she wanted it to look as if something may have happened to her. She then told deputies that she threw a cellphone on the ground, scratched the inside of her gums to cause them to bleed and left a blood trail leading out of the residence.
Once that story was questioned, she apparently made up yet another story. The sources don’t say what it was, but I’d be surprised if an accidental pregnancy and the truth about Michael Jackson’s death wasn’t thrown in there. Instead of just being like, “Hey, figuring out the appetizer menu at your birthday party is getting really annoying. Could you help me out,” our girl Jen decided to mess up years worth of good dental hygiene and her relationship. Ugh amateurs. Everyone knows that there are only three appropriate times to stage a kidnapping.
- When your parents want to have a “talk” about your future.
- When your boyfriend wants to have a “talk” but he didn’t include the word “future.”
- Finals week.
Naturally, police say that they’ll probably charge her. For what, I’m not exactly sure, but my guess? For not just buying a platter of Chick-Fil-A and calling that a party. Oh, and that whole, being completely bat-shit crazy, thing.