Breakups are hard. They bring questions from people you don’t want to talk to about “what happened” and whether or not you’re okay. They turn your world upside down as your number one confidant walks out of your life, and you need to learn how to do your day-to-day tasks without him or her again. Mostly, they leave you feeling sad and caught up in self-loathing in an endless cycle of “What went wrong? What did I do?”

Amy Nelmes’ friend, “Bobo,” however, does not have to wonder, because her boyfriend of seven weeks who is also the biggest pussy alive laid it out for her very nicely over text message.

Personally, I would not be even NEARLY ready to call someone my boyfriend after seeing him for seven weeks, let alone declare it to my nana, my mom’s dog, and the kid from high school whose math homework I copied via Facebook.

If the whole thing didn’t reek of insecurity, I’d consider trying to make breakup lists a thing:

1. Your beard does not tickle in all the right ways when you kiss me down under, so it’s pretty much useless to me.
2. You continue to buy whole milk when I continuously tell you that anything above 2 percent is unacceptable.
3. You won’t let me pop your pimples, and everyone knows this is a natural mating ritual.
4. All you care about is school and your mom and your friends.
5. You still haven’t hung the framed photo I bought of us above your mantle.
6. You sent a dick pic, which would have been forgivable, but you didn’t trim the hedges first, so bye.

But, I don’t want to end up the laughingstock of the internet like Bobo’s boyfriend, so I’ll just hold it all in, occasionally cry, and blame it on my period..

Image via Shutterstock

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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