There are about two things that make every single person in the world angry. I mean, besides Ebola. The first is being told that you’re gaining weight. The second is when your phone decides to die at 38 percent battery when you’re in the middle of texting, stalking, or taking a selfie–as if you didn’t have enough trust issues already.
Unfortunately, because we actually can’t have nice things, smart people have come to the conclusion that charging your phone makes you fat.
Yeah, I’ll just go die now. Thanks.
According to Metro, Professor Ahmad Agil, from the University of Granada, led a study and found the artificial light that is emitted from our favorite pieces of technology “inhibits the production of a hormone that combats obesity.”
We all know that too much technology is “bad.” We’ve gotten scolded for being on our phones at dinner and made fun of for taking way too many selfies. We’ve been told that a television in the bedroom decreases the frequency of sex and if you send 160-second snaps, you’re an asshole. But this? This is kind of the last straw.
It was determined that the light from tablets, phones, televisions, computers, and even street lamps reduce the levels of “endogenous melatonin.” And in case you were too busy reading TSM to pay attention in class, melatonin helps regulate our sleep patterns, and, more importantly, it boosts our metabolism. Basically, it makes us skinny.
So what does this mean? It means that you need to close the blinds, have a lot of crazy sex in your technology-free, pitch black room, and then you can lose weight while you sleep. And when your alarm doesn’t go off in the morning (I mean, it can’t–you unplugged literally everything) just blame it on science and enjoy being thin. No one can argue with that logic..