I tried. I really tried to like kale. I pinned recipe after recipe that promised to make kale taste like delicious dessert, and it just ended up tasting like a soggy garden. Thank god pineapples are the new kale because kale is apparently making a lot of healthy people who actually enjoy it very, very sick.
The leafy green, which is full of good things like potassium, calcium, and magnesium is also full of bad things like heavy metals. I KNEW it tasted gross when I tried it! Scientist Ernie Hubbard discovered that kale (along with cabbage, broccoli, collard greens, and cauliflower) is a hyper-accumulator of heavy metals thallium and cesium, which are toxic to your body. Thallium is a common ingredient found in rat poison, so you should probably throw that kale sitting in your fridge in the trash right effing now.
Hubbard found that while kale doesn’t contain enough heavy metals to be considered poisonous, it can still have some nasty side effects. People who tested positive experienced fatigue, heart arrhythmia, nausea, digestive trouble, neurological problems, and hair loss. I’m sorry, but being fit and skinny is not worth my hair falling out. Doctors also warn that this isn’t an exaggeration, and that this should be cause for real concern.
“We now know that heavy metals are additive and synergistic,” says David Quid, the lead scientist at Doctors Data, who has an PhD in nutritional biochemistry. “If you get a little thallium, and a little lead, and a little cadmium in your system, you’ve got one plus one plus one equals five or six, not just three.” In other words, these metals do more damage when they’re combined.
As if you needed another reason to stop eating kale, traces of nickel, lead, cadmium, aluminum, and arsenic are also common in greens, so you should probably go back to binging on string cheese and pop tarts. You know, for your health.
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