Listen, Brad.
I know what we talked about the other night. About both of us continuing to see other people. And I think it’s a great idea. For me. I will continue to see other people. But after I put some thought into it, I kind of realized that you don’t actually need to see anyone else. Because frankly, I have enough personalities to fit all of your needs.
Everyone knows that when someone says “don’t tell anyone,” you are allowed to tell exactly one person, and in my case, three people, because I’m a terrible secret keeper. Well, Brad, you failed to say “don’t tell anyone” after pretty much every interaction we’ve ever had. And do you know how many people that means I can tell? Literally everyone I’ve ever met. And so I do.
You see, Brad, in dating me, you are actually also dating every single person I know and a few people I don’t really know. It takes a squad to send a text message, and it takes a whole damn village to dissect the inner workings of one man’s mind. Everything I say to you, everything I wear around you, everything I am to you as you see me has been a group effort. In dating me, you are actually dating all three of my roommates, all of their boyfriends, my mom, my best guy friend, the girls in two different group texts, every single one of my uber drivers, and Cooper, my purple beta fish.
This may initially seem like something of an invasion of privacy, and for a moment, you might consider that you don’t also want to see people, and instead only see other people, but hear me out. This is actually great news for you, because through my entire social circle, I become the full package.
You want to talk about sports, cars, or video games? You best believe I’m sending screenshots to my brothers, who are highly knowledgeable on any and all subjects you might deem predominantly male. You want to talk dirty? My friend Michelle is a writer and seriously knows how to manipulate both words and men. Interested in seeing that band play? Well, I sure as shit don’t know who they are, but Jen works in the music industry, and can hook us up with tickets, and also let me listen to their newest album for a week beforehand so I can memorize the lyrics and pretend I knew them all along.
And if we’re being honest, Brad, sometimes I have trouble understanding what it means when it takes more than three minutes for you to respond to a text message. But if two overly-analytical heads are better than one, twenty are certainly better than two! Among my trusted advisors, at least two of them will be on your side, when I get upset with you for no reason, and all of them will talk me down from sending a passive aggressive text you don’t deserve. You have a real shot at getting off scot-free when I’m mad at you. Worst case scenario, you’ll be on the receiving end of an explanation of my feelings that is mature, responsible, well-thought out — it will be an appropriate response to your actions, guaranteed. Unless I consulted Maggy, who will always encourage me to be a bitch, but whatever message we craft together will be so cunning, that it’s really of no detriment to me.
So to sum it all up for you, Brad, we — and I mean my friends and me, not you and me — reject your request to keep living your life and dating who you please, as we’ve decided that we’re enough. Don’t try to fight it, because we’re currently drafting a plan to help you draw this conclusion on your own, and make you think it was your idea, so really, you don’t have a chance. You’re just one man against an army (of skanks). Just let it happen, Brad. Trust us. It will make you happy. Or at least it will make me happy. And that’s really all we care about..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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