I’ve maintained for many years that there are only three basic components to beauty: your hair, your face, and your body. Here’s a secret: guys can only see two of them. I know, I know, that sounds absolutely insane, but it’s true. Have you ever noticed how many guys absolutely fawn over a girl who you’d describe to a friend with a casual “Ummm…she’s like, fine.” You know you’re not jealous because she hasn’t recently made out with any guy who possibly smiled at you one time two years ago, so it’s not like she’s stealing your men. You just genuinely don’t think she’s that pretty, and guys really seem to. It’s driven me crazy my whole life. Well, maybe not my whole life, but definitely for the part of it that’s been driven almost entirely by male attention, so for a pretty long time. I’ve more recently concluded it’s a result of the 2/3 rule, meaning only two of your three components of beauty need to be tended to at a given time to make people think you’re pretty.
Any girl knows that if you’re going to have a guy come hang out at your apartment, you can’t look too done up, because the only people who don’t immediately take off their pants when they walk in the house are the Real Housewives. You need to look perfectly adorable, but naturally so. So, you jazz up two out of three of your beauty components. You spend forever perfecting your hair, going over it an extra three times with your straightener to make sure you didn’t miss a piece. You know you’re done when, and only when, you smell your hair burning. Delightful. Applying your makeup takes an astounding 35 minutes as opposed to the usual 15. You’re sure to apply that clearish whiteish mascara base, which you’re pretty sure does nothing, use your eyelash curler, which you’re pretty sure does nothing, and you even put on a natural-looking eye shadow combination which you literally only wear when you go out. Two out of your three beauty components are perfect, allowing you to slum it on the third, by opting to wear something comfy cute in the house, so you don’t look like you were trying too hard, even though you literally tried really, really hard. You look amazing, and as long as you’re not wearing man sweatpants and a hoodie, he’ll think so too.
If you’re leaving the gym, and don’t have time to wash your hair before your class with that cute guy you flirt with, fear not. You can throw it up in a bun or a messy braid if, of course, you have on some sort of fantastic outfit and your makeup looks flawless. Why has the sock bun become trendy? Because it’s quick, and easy, and because as long as you put something cute on your body and makeup on your face, you still look pretty. Even though about 50% of girls sporting some sort of messy hairdo are doing so because it looks disgusting under whatever they’ve done to hide it, I never look at other girls and think She probably has dirty hair as long as her makeup and clothing look cute.
Admittedly my least favorite thing to skimp out on is makeup, because it’s your face, your focal point, but I swear, guys especially don’t notice faces as much as you think. If you have a pretty “outline” as I call it, meaning your hair and body look flawless, people don’t notice your face as much. It’s weird, but it’s the only explanation I can come up with. Why do you think everyone still looks pretty at ritual? Is it because you already love them so much? Eh, that’s only true for your best best friends. Is it because they’re all still secretly wearing makeup? It can’t be the case for everyone, because there are definitely some rule-followers. It’s literally because two of the three components are still looking flawless. There are curls all over the place, and gorgeous, form-fitting white dresses. They look like natural beauties, because their faces actually aren’t the focal point.
This is literally the reason guys are obsessed with girls who have average-looking faces. I guess that’s what we care about more when we’re looking at other girls, but if she has a nice body (that she’s really showing off), and great hair, a girl will still seem like she’s really hot even if she isn’t. It’s frustrating, and it makes me want to stop eating yesterday, but it’s the way of the world. To be fair, I might care about big arms and broad shoulders more than a chiseled jaw, too.
Note: I don’t think any of this matters if you’re actually just a heinous cave troll, but in the 6-9 range, this is what it’s about.
Nice Move324
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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