You Should Be Time Zoning Your Hookups


We’re all familiar with the infamous friend zone. It’s every girl’s go-to method of separating the guys she will and will not sleep with. The friend zone is an impermeable divide that once crossed, you cannot come back from. I’ve found a new way of categorizing your hookup roster that allows for clear and separated boundaries, much like the friend zone. It’s called time zoning and it’s going to make your life way easier.

Time zoning is the act, nay — the art, of scheduling your hookups for times deemed appropriate by the relationship (or lack of relationship). No more confusion, no more awkward “so what are we?” conversations, just clear, defined boundaries for every type of relationship you’ll ever find yourself into.

The Committed Boyfriend, Fiancé, or Spouse: Anytime of the day

This is the only type of relationship where it’s acceptable to be with the guy at any and all times of the day. This guy has seen you at your worst hours, best hours, and the hours of hair and makeup it took you to transform from your worst to your best. So feel free to spend all day, every day with this guy. You really appreciate his company and you won’t get tired of him easily, so pop on that zit cream and cuddle up to your man today, tomorrow, and the next day.

Male Friends: 11 a.m.- 2 a.m.

With your guy friends, it’s best to keep them around between the hours of 11 a.m. and 2 a.m. 11 a.m. is an acceptable time to consider meeting up, if you can drag them out of bed that early. At that time of the day, you’re up, showered, and have managed to wash the smell of regret from last night off of you, but you don’t need the few extra hours to get ready because you’re comfortable around him. Feel free to hang out with them all day and even into the night, but send them packing by 2 a.m. You’re entering risky territory if you’re still watching movies with your guy friend at two in the morning. Remember; nothing good happens after 2 a.m.

“Boyfriend”: 6 p.m.- 11 a.m.

For that guy that’s not technically your boyfriend, but sort of your boyfriend. You know the “I’m just not ready for a serious relationship” guy. I guess you could meet up with him around 6 p.m. You know, if you actually convince him to take you out to dinner and not just buy you a pizza after sex. But chances are you’ll just leave the bar or party with him sometime after midnight, have drunk sex, make him order you a pizza, and make him spoon with you until you fall asleep. Feel free to spend the night, wake up, and try to engage in hungover morning sex, but get out of there before you’re both fully awake and he realizes that your eyelashes aren’t that long, your skin is not that tan, and that you look like a hungover raccoon in the mornings.

Bootycall: 1 a.m.-8 a.m.

By 1 a.m., you’re at the prime of your drunkenness and won’t feel as guilty about sleeping with the sender of that “u up?” text, yet again. Go for it. If his place is not within walking distance, go ahead and pass out there (bonus points if you get him to order you a pizza or cuddle). Just make sure you sneak out, heels in hand, before he wakes up, and get back in the house before your sisters notice and you can save the third degree until after the hangover subsides.

Stranger from the Bar: 2 a.m.- 5 a.m.

We’ve all been at that point in our drunken college career when we just can’t help but leave with that stranger who’s been buying us drinks and grinding on us all night. But saying yes to the “wanna go back to my place?” offer before last call is just trashy. Wait until the bars close, then go. At least then you can use the “there was nothing (read: anyone) else better to do” excuse. Just be sure to sneak out of there after he falls asleep. Save yourself the trouble of having to pretend you remember his name in the morning.

Happy time-zoning!

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