It’s time to stop hating Mondays — at least temporarily — because “The Bachelor” is finally back. This season’s bachelor is Chris Soules, the “hot farmer” from Andi Dorfman’s season of “The Bachelorette.” What we already know about Chris is that he’s a stylish farmer from Iowa and he falls in love during sex. So, pretty much, women all over America close their eyes and pretend it’s him.
I present you with a drinking game that will make even the biggest “Bachelor” hater excited to plop down on the couch tonight and watch this mess of a love game unfold in front of our reality-loving eyes. Grab a bottle of wine, or if you’re the heathen I hope you are, pour a glass of vodka, because it’s time to hop on Chris’s tractor. Based off the sneak peek videos on ABC’s website, it’s going to be a bumpy ride — you may want to pour yourself a double.
Take a sip if…
- Chris talks about being from a small town or about how humble he is.
- Anyone says “Farmer Chris.”
- Anyone swears and it’s bleeped out.
- Anyone refers to him as “Prince Farming.”
- There is an awkward silence.
- Someone cries.
- Someone says the word “love.”
- A contestant says she is ready to find that “special someone.”
- Chris takes off his shirt.
- A contestant says, “I can’t do this.”
- A contestant storms out of the room crying.
- A contestant’s name could double as a stripper’s name.
- A contestant brings up the “first impression rose” or any other date-specific rose.
- Someone uses a fake accent.
- A girl says she “loves Double Stuf Oreos, too!”
- A girl has a southern accent.
- A contestant refers to herself as a southern belle.
- A contestant calls Chris a “cutie pie,” “hot stuff,” or any type of pet name.
- Someone arrives by another means of transportation than a limo.
- A contestant says she is a midwest girl.
- A contestant says, “Can I have a hug?”
- A contestant says, “Can I have a kiss?”
- Someone talks about how much she gave up to come do this season.
- A girl says she is looking to find her knight in shining armor.
- A contestant refers to herself as a dork or a nerd.
- Anyone refers to herself as a romantic.
- A girl says, “I want to show you my goofy side.”
- A girl says she has more guy friends because she hates drama.
- They show Chris on the farm.
- A contestant talks about how she is tired of being alone.
- A contestant says, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m only here for Chris.”
- Chris Harrison has to console a contestant.
- Chris Harrison has to help Chris make his decision on who to give the rose to.
- Chris picks up a picture frame of the contestant and “ponders.”
- There is a group jacuzzi session.
- Someone refers to Chris as a cowboy.
- Chris gives out a rose.
- A contestant wears a gown that you’d most likely wear to a Thrift Shop Prom-themed mixer.
Take a hearty gulp if…
- Any contestant says she’s looking for love.
- A contestant tries to dance with Chris.
- A contestant says, “I watched your season and oh my God, I have the biggest crush on you.”
- Anyone brings a family member, an animal, a magic trick, etc. out of the limo.
- Chris makes out with a contestant in the jacuzzi.
- Anyone tries to make out with Chris and he denies her.
- They travel to a date by helicopter.
- A contestant’s job is “model,” “student,” or “actress.”
- Chris says he’s “never felt like this before.”
- A contestant says she’s “never felt like this before.”
- Any contestant says she would “love to move to Iowa and be a farm wife.”
Finish your drink if…
- Someone tries to talk dirty using farm lingo.
- Someone reads Chris a poem that she wrote.
- Anyone mouth rapes Chris and it is so bad that you can’t help but cringe.
- A contestant exclaims that she “HATES DRAMA.”
- Chris makes out with a contestant in the jacuzzi and there are other girls in there with them.
- Chris makes out with someone, then immediately makes out with another girl.
- There is a group skinny dip in the pool.
- A contestant asks Chris how many kids he wants to have, and, coincidentally, she says she wants the exact same thing.
- Someone brings up the “fantasy suite.”
- A contestant gets drunk.
Chug anything you can find if…
- Someone says, “This is the most important night/date/time of my life.”
- A contestant gets pregnant during the show.
- A contestant has a boyfriend at home.
- A contestant’s ex lover shows up.
- You consider applying to be on the next season of “The Bachelor.”
“The Bachelor” premieres tonight, Jan. 5, on ABC at 8 p.m. EST..
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