5. The Crazy Bitch
You generally try to keep in touch, but this girl is really more of a once-a-month type of companion. Not because she’s mean, but because you simply cannot keep up. She drinks more than your father, and cares about your safety significantly less. This wild card is a trusty friend, but not too trusty, because she usually ditches you around 2:00 to hook up with someone who is clearly very, very bad for her. You’re not quite sure how she’s still alive, but if you’re smart, you’ll cut ties as soon as college is over to avoid any future “Can I have a kidney and/or some bail money” conversations.
Best for: Friday night after a long week of tests.
4. The Wifey
She may have a boyfriend, but this pal never lost the ability to throw back brews like it’s her job. You don’t even remember what she was like when she was single, but you’re lucky to be gifted by her her positive attitude, as she is pretty much the only one of your friends that has her shit together. The best part about your favorite cuffed pal is that when the two of you hit the town, there’s no pressure to meet guys. Which basically means the two of you are free to be super weird and end the night alone, sharing a pizza and talking about which Disney prince is the most bang-able.
Best for: Sunday Funday
3. The Attitude
She’s a badass who doesn’t care for the vast majority of people, and she’s still emotionally stuck in the middle school emo phase that everyone else quickly grew out of. Despite this, you’re always quick to call her when you need to do something spontaneous (read: illegal). She always acts like she just got busted by Standards, mostly because she always just got busted by Standards. She knows a ton of people you would never consider talking to, but you applaud her knowledge of dingy hole-in-the wall bars with good looking bartenders and decent specials. She’s usually good for a vent session, because she’s snarky enough to talk shit on whatever is currently pissing you off.
Best For: Stress-Induced Weeknight Binge
2. The Jokester
The jokester is basically a collegiate class clown, but she’s got the heart (not to mention the ass) to get away with all the violently inappropriate things she says on a daily basis. She’s always making fun of you, herself, and everyone else in the room. She doesn’t associate with prissy bitches who get offended at the little things, so you know you’re going to be dealing with some A+ company wherever you go. And you don’t even have to get that fucked up, because everything she says will make you pee your pants, whether or not you go HAM on the bar specials.
Best for: Thirsty Thursday
1. The BFF
She loves you, you love her, and you’re probably going to be friends longer than any of the other shady bitches you hang out with. However long you’ve known your BFF, she’s a vital part of your life, and you never have more fun than when the two of you hit the town and get crazy weird. She knows who you love, but more importantly, she knows who you hate, and she hates them too. You always manage to get into the most bizarre situations, but despite the fact that you’re 75% more likely to end the night in jail, she’s your go-to drinking buddy for basically any situation.
Best for: Literally any time of any day, ever..
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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