Once upon a time, you were a little girl, and you dreamed up the perfect future husband. He was tall, rich, and handsome. He had dark hair, light eyes, a great sense of humor, and he really knew his way around a vagina. You imagined you’d happen upon one another on a run through the park, during which you didn’t sweat at all, or at a coffee shop where you were reading a book until he was taken by your beauty. You neither run, nor read, but still you’ve spent your whole life in search of him. By “in search of him,” of course, I mean you put on a slutty dress at night, make (drunk) eyes with a handsome stranger, and either end your night with a makeout if he approaches you, or a cryfest if he doesn’t, all the while deeming any guy who approaches you soberly a creeper. I’m not sure how people actually find boyfriends, but I’m assuming that most girls are able to complain them into existence, so I’ve been complaining really, really hard.
Finally, at one particularly detailed “I’m going to die alone” bitch-and-moan fro-yo session, he appears, as if by magic, into thin air, as all boyfriends do. He’s the obvious love of your life. He’s perfect, except for one tiny, beautiful, menstruating flaw: his best female friend.
It’s not that you don’t believe that guys and girls can be friends, you just kind of assumed that once you two became an item, there would be no need for him to utter so much as a syllable to any other uterus-having individual (except for maybe his mother, but probably not), ever again, in his entire life, ever. It’s not that she’s a threat. I mean, she has honey-colored highlights, and yours are caramel-colored, so she’s obviously not even his type, you’d just prefer if this evil, manipulative bitch, who is obviously trying to manswipe him from you under the guise of “like-a-sister-to-me” best friendship, didn’t exist.
Your initial instinct is to hate her and everything she stands for. That’s natural, unlike her tan. It’s also natural to begin mentally plotting ways to ruin her life and/or reputation via nasty rumor or Nair to the shampoo bottle. Unfortunately, he cares about her, and doing those things will make her case much more convincing when she tells him you’re a crazy bitch. Make no mistake, this girl can ruin you. She’s not the oblivious, bro-ey type of best friend, otherwise you wouldn’t care. She’s just like you. She will pick up on your passive aggression, and she knows if you’re trying to ruin their friendship. There’s no use in trying to out-manipulate her, because she will win.
The only line of defense is to accept her. Not for fake, for real, because trust me, you want her on your side. Befriending her, despite your desire to destroy her, is ultimately to your benefit.
If You Do Something Insane, She Will Defend You
So, your boyfriend just found out that you have read through every single Facebook message he’s ever exchanged with a girl since 2008. Yikes. You don’t have a line of defense, because, well, you probably shouldn’t have done that, seeing as technically it’s a breach of his privacy, which people tend not to like. It’s okay to get caught snooping if you find something, but your boyfriend just had to be faithful to you. That asshole. I’ve never actually had a scrotum of my own, but it’s my understanding that guys don’t talk about their relationship woes with one another in great detail. This, however, will be discussed. His boys will be right there to tell him you were totally out of line, and if she doesn’t like you, she will too. If you’ve befriended her, however, the best girl friend is your shining beacon of hope. She will calmly explain that it sucks that you did that, but he ultimately needs to forgive you for it. You gave into temptation, and you shouldn’t have, but honestly, most girls do it at one point or another. He remembers that time she stalked that guy Steve, doesn’t he? Of course you are so lucky that he’s not a cheating asshole like Steve was, she’ll explain, but sometimes you just don’t know. You’ll be thankful there is a voice of unreason in his life, trust me.
You’ll Get Better Presents
Of course, if he’s smart, he’ll go to your friends when it comes to gifts. They will be able suggest he get you the exact Michael Kors watch you emailed to all of them a week ago. They might even have him thinking he “picked it out” as if it were his idea. Unfortunately, guys aren’t always so bright, and might occasionally recruit their own troops when they need to make a jewelry purchase. This is usually awful, because his pledge brothers tend to be just as clueless as he is. Enter the best female friend. She will be able to tell him that a shirt is not an appropriate gift from a boyfriend, and that you seem like more of a white gold girl than a yellow gold girl. Then, you won’t have to wear a hideous “open heart” charm from Kay Jewelers around your neck everyday.
She Can Manipulate His Mother
On account of a weird, reverse Oedipus complex, his mom has an inkling of hatred for every girl that ever comes into his life…except for her. Since their “Mommy and Me” days, his mother has loved the best female friend as if she were her own daughter. Obviously, her idiot son would never be able to pick up on your flaws, so she’ll go to his best girl friend to get the real scoop, at which point she can either talk you up, or talk you way, way down. If the two of them collaborate against you, you don’t have a shot (except for the ten you took last night, which they’ll undoubtedly be discussing). If you’ve garnered a friendship, she’ll have nothing bad to say about you, and might even be able to convince his mother to feel neutrally toward you, which, in many cases, is an accomplishment.
If He’s Being A Sketchy Fuck, She’ll Make Him Do The Right Thing
If he’s being an asshole, she’ll let him know, if he’s being inconsiderate, she’ll call him out, and if he’s thinking about doing something really awful, like sacrifice your relationship for one night with some bimbo who’s like, sooooooo drunk, his best girl friend will absolutely not tolerate it. If there’s one thing girls can always bind together on, it’s infidelity. You’re fabulous, so your guy would never have a wandering eye, but if for some reason he did, you want her on your side. His boys won’t care. There have been many a bachelor party where “one last night of freedom” was encouraged, so I can only imagine it’s worse if you don’t have a ring on your finger. A female friend will not let that happen. When he and his penis are off somewhere without you, though her loyalties lie with him, she’ll be the only one to have your back, ensuring you continue to have his balls.
Your Fears Will Never Be Realized If You’re Friends
The main reason to hate every girl who isn’t you, is essentially jealousy. You want all of his attention (you want all of everyone’s attention, really), and you don’t want this other girl to get in the way of you and your property relationship. There’s nothing worse than being cheated on, and it’s just hard for you to comprehend their closeness without fearing he secretly wants to bang her (or worse, that he doesn’t, because he secretly wants to bang dudes). She probably does like his attention, so the best way to nip that in the bud is through friendship. Once you’re her friend, she’s not going to write on his wall to make you jealous, she’s not going to bring up inside jokes in front of you to establish dominance, and she’s not going to prance around him in slutty outfits in an attempt to get him to notice her. If she didn’t give a tit about you, there would be no reason to do you any favors, but if she has your respect, she’s not going to turn into the evil skank she may or may not be on her own time.
Nice Move199
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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