Your Bumble Openers Are Probably Terrible, From A Guy’s Perspective


There’s a profuse amount of advice floating around the world wide web on how to be better at app-based dating. Hell, there are even people who make money by marketing themselves as “consultants” who will overhaul your profiles on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, whatever. And guess what? It’s all bullshit. Here’s why.

As a guy, I know that girls meticulously scrutinize every single detail in my profile, so yes, I guess if I was giving advice to men I’d say lay off with the fishing photos. But I’m not giving advice to guys, I’m here giving advice to girls. And despite what you might read about what to put in your Bumble profiles and what to avoid, I’m here to tell you it really doesn’t fucking matter.

I can’t tell you how many times I see a profile that says “wanderlust” or “eat pray love” or “not here for hookups” or “I’m not superstitious but I’m a little stitious” or everyone’s favorite, “I’m fluent in sarcasm.” I’ve seen all of this unoriginal jargon more times than I’ve heard Despacito in the last calendar year. And every time I see it, my eyes roll, I shake my head a little. And then I swipe right anyway.

You could post a group photo for every. Single. Picture. I could have NO idea who you are by the time I’m done with your profile. This happens more than you think. And every time I see it, my eyes roll, I shake my head a little. And then I swipe right anyway.

Girls, guys swipe right like 90% of the time. At least. Dudes all across America just getting arthritis in their thumbs from swiping right at an absolute ferocious pace. It’s only after we get a match that we’ll scrutinize every last detail in your profile, and from then on we either unmatch you immediately if you’re a wildebeast, message you (if the ball’s in our court), or, when it’s Bumble, sit and wait for you to message us. And that’s where you really should be spending the majority of your introspection when it comes to for self-evaluating your app-based dating abilities.

The first message to a dude on Bumble is your elevator pitch. It’s your fifteen seconds to get the TV executive’s attention. Your Sharktank moment. You HAVE to get my attention. Simply saying “hey” or “what’s up” or “how was your weekend?” is just not going to cut it.

I know that for me, when I have to be the one to message first, as a short, average-looking dude, I know I have to stand out. I’m not going to come with “hey.” I’m coming in with my best fastball. Something you may never have ever seen before. Something thought-provoking, something hilarious, or something downright nuts. Because I know you’re getting thousands, maybe even hundreds, of messages from so many dudes. I have to stand out.

Guys are getting way fewer messages than girls are, yes. But, why do you think you can get away with “what’s up.” That conversation, 11/10 times, is not going to go anywhere. The conversation stalls completely. He’ll say he’s just chilling, or some bullshit, and you never really get anywhere. Even if you’re Bella Hadid, this guy will be bored of you. And if he’s not quite sure if he thinks you’re actually cute or not? You’re dead on arrival.

However, let’s say I’m not yet sold on your cuteness. If you come in with an absolute thunder factory opening line? I’m going to know that you’re a down ass chick who’s probably wicked fun to be around. Come in with a heater, something that’s going to blow me the fuck away.

I’ll leave the exact details up to you, but try and be original. And it can certainly be tailored to what you’re looking to get out of this potential love interest.

Are you just trying to smash? Well start off the conversation being seductive, or outright naughty. Dude will know EXACTLY what’s up and if he’s down he’ll follow suit.

Example: You look pretty good in that pic of you on top of that boat. Imagine how good you’d look on top of me *smirk face*

Are you looking for a date? Try and start off the conversation by figuring out a way to steer the conversation towards talking about something like a bar or restaurant in your neighborhood you’ve wanted to try, and then you can ask him if he wants to go sometime.

Example: Marry fuck kill: dive bars, sushi restaurants, ice skating.

Then you can start talking about dive bars, for instance, and then bingo bango bongo, you ask him if he wants to grab a drink at one. This is SOOOOO much better than “how was your weekend.” I can’t even begin to describe how much more refreshing it is to receive messages in those veins rather than getting the proverbial “hey.”

Happy Bumbling, ladies.

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You can usually find me slinging pure heat takes about The Bachelor and Trader Joe's over at PGP (PostGradProblems), and bee tee dubs, DMs are open

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