I don’t know about you, but this week has put me on my ass. It’s put me — lost and confused, contemplating selling my body for money — on my ass. So it’s safe to say that I am looking forward to getting so drunk this weekend that my biggest concern is that while intoxicated, I will forget that Gino’s Pizza closed down, and thus, my life, again, will spiral out of control. If you are anything like me, and have had one hell of a week, it’s time to relax. AKA it’s time to PARTY! But before we indulge, there’s one thing you should be aware of. Your choice of alcohol CAN determine how you feel. How do I know? Science. And smart people told me so.
The Guardian recently published a piece about how alcohol can determine your mood after researchers across the U.K. surveyed 30,000 participants about how they react to alcohol. Let me just tell you now, that is the only scientific sentence that will be in this article because it’s the weekend and I don’t want you to feel like you are in science lab with Mr. Interdonato’s mouth breathing driving you into an asylum. You already have to deal with that every MWF from 3:30-5:30. It’s enough.
Anywho, basically what the study found is that, “spirits are often associated with feelings of energy, confidence and sexiness – but on the flip-side anger and tearfulness – while red wine is the drink most commonly linked to relaxation, but also tiredness.”
Finally, a scientific answer for me to confidently stand behind when my girls want to get “wine drunk” before going out. Am I the only person who can drink a whole bottle of wine and by the end of it I just want to go to sleep and have zero communication from the outside world? I thought I was crazy! My friends actively take wine bottles to the face, and I could never get behind it. BUT ALAS! SCIENCE is on my side with this one. It also applied to beer. I call them “the two-beer yawns.” You know when you’re pregaming with beer and at one point you just can’t stop yawning? And when you force yourself to shotgun another to get over the two beer yawn hump? Yep, it’s science.
“Drinking was found more likely to be linked to feelings of relaxation and tiredness when done at home. […] 53% of participants said drinking red wine made them feel relaxed – an emotion that was also linked to beer by nearly 50% of participants, and white wine by nearly 33%.”
Now that we all understand how much I value sleep. Let’s get to the good stuff. We’ll start with the more positive side effects, “energy, confidence, and sexiness.” Two glasses of vodka soda and I am feeling energetic, confident, and sexy. Hell, that zit that was on my face two drinks ago? I can barely even see it now! That girl I was intimidated by two drinks ago? I am now the hottest person to walk the Earth. But the party train doesn’t stop there, guys. We all know how we can go zero to one hundred real quick when drinking, thus ensuing “anger and tearfulness.”
This ones all about your parts. How you’re wired. Men are more likely to admit “feelings of aggression,” while women are more likely to admit “feeling various emotions.” And if this is not the holy grail of every romantic, drunk fight I have ever been in, so help me God. It all makes sense now. When my SO isn’t paying enough drunken attention to me, and I go stand in the corner and cry to my bestie, and he gets pissed about it? It’s because he has a penis and I have a vagina. When I end the night by sitting on his bed crying my fake eyelashes off and all he can seem to do it yell and try his best impression at John Cena, throwing punches at the wall? It’s because of our parts. And this is why I am contemplating dating women. Because one quality they don’t possess (hopefully) would be pinning me against the wall outside the bar and screaming in my face like my ex boyfriend did. ISN’T LOVE GREAT!?
So take a look at where you are right now. Like I said before, this week has me questioning my existence. So I don’t know if it’s the smartest idea to go out and get hammered because my emotions might just become Lindsay Lohan circa 2007. Perhaps, a few glasses of wine with my friends and some quality relaxation?
Fuck it. I’m crying my eyelashes off..
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