In case you don’t remember, I’m the jerk who wrote the infamous, satirical anti-cunnilingus column for TFM. Now, to be clear, I’m not writing this because I’ve had a change of heart and decided to join the U.S. Olympic muff-diving team. I still hate doing it as much as I did before, and if I never had to do it again, my life would be just fine. I caught a lot of flak for my TFM column and one of the biggest questions from female friends of mine was, “What would it take for you to willingly go down on a girl?” After reading Catie’s column on how to get a girl to give you a blow job, I started thinking that maybe I should write a column answering that very question. After all, if you ladies know how to scale Mount Everest, you’ll have no problem climbing the hill you have a date with on Saturday.
Of course, if you’re lucky, you’ll find a guy who genuinely enjoys going down on girls. There are several of those. THIS is a guide for getting the more reluctant guys to give you a surprise between your thighs.
Do: Lock him down. A guy’s going to be way more willing to do it if you’re his girlfriend as opposed to a semi-regular hookup.
Don’t: Be too pushy or insistent about it the first time you hook up, especially if he’s reluctant. If you want to have sex, have sex. Take him for a test drive, but don’t rush it. Believe it or not, guys have comfort zones, too. Don’t force him outside of his before he’s ready. Mentally flip the switch. How would you feel if he pressured you into a blow job? Not so good, huh?
Do: Use positive reinforcement. Make him feel like a sex god. Maybe he’s great in bed. Maybe he can’t swing the bat to save his life. Either way, you don’t want to make him feel like you need him to go downtown to enjoy him. You wouldn’t like it if a guy told you he wanted a blow job because the sex sucks. It’s just not nice.
Don’t: Tell him you want him to do it because it’s the only way you can get off. I’ve heard the statistic over and over that only 25 percent of women who can orgasm at all can orgasm from sex. It may be true, but don’t throw it in his face (no pun intended). Guys, as you may have noticed, have very sensitive egos. Whether it’s a physiological thing, a mental thing, or something else, he WILL take this to mean that the problem is him, no matter how many times you assure him it’s not. Better idea: after a few times in bed, start off by saying that even though the sex is great, it would really spice things up if he went down on you. He doesn’t feel like a disappointment and you don’t feel disappointed. Win-win.
Do: Go down on him. Relationships are give and take. So is sex. He’ll be more willing to tend your garden if he feels his garden tool has been properly cared for.
Don’t: Use blow jobs as a bargaining chip. Big mistake. This turns it from wanting reciprocation into a power game. No one wins the power game.
Do: Just like you do with the presents he buys you and the chores he does around your house, let him think it was his decision. Eventually, it’ll be a decision he becomes more comfortable with in the future. Even if you had to ask him to do it the first time, make sure he feels like there was no pressure in his decision. Make sure to tell him it was amazing afterwards (hopefully it was) and then you won’t have to ask him ever again.
Don’t: Act like it’s expected. I was in bed with a girl and she started nodding down toward her fun zone as if to say, “There it is, boy–you know what to do. Go on.” I’d never felt more degraded. I’m not a dog licking peanut butter off a spoon here.
Do: Keep it clean. I’m sure you expect him to do the same..
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