According to science, this is going to be, like, the hottest summer ever. Everyone keeps talking about it–and by everyone, we mean people who are so boring they can only think to talk about the weather. Anyway, it’s going to be one wet, hot, American summer, so here are our tips for having the hottest summer fling ever.
1. Use ice cubes on your man.
Put ice cubes into his water to make it extra cool. Put ice cubes into your water, too. Then, drink your waters together in bed. Just make sure you take opposite sides of the bed, because it’s way too hot to actually touch each other, let alone feel each other’s body heat. In fact, you might want to move to the couch because the living room window gets a better draft. Make sure you finish your water though. It’s very hot, and you don’t want to get dehydrated.
2. Ask him to help you put on sunscreen at the beach.
Tell him you want it all over your body–but seriously, make sure he REALLY puts it everywhere, because you don’t want to get sunburned. Overexposure to UV light can cause skin cancer. Make sure you reapply every four to six hours and wait 30 minutes before going into any water. Help him put on his sunscreen, too, then lie on your towels the rest of the day, because it’s still way too hot to touch each other.
3. Cool down with ice cream or a popsicle.
Get yourself a soft serve ice cream cone or a popsicle. I hear watermelon ice is back…oh, baby. No really, you just want a sweet, cold treat because it’s so fucking hot out. Seriously, CAN’T A GIRL JUST EAT A POPSICLE WITHOUT IT BEING A METAPHOR FOR SEX?
4. Get naked multiple times a day.
Because you’ll need to take multiple showers a day. Get naked and take a shower in the morning. Get naked and take a shower in the afternoon. Get naked and take a shower at sunset. Seriously, take a lot of showers because it’s hot and you are sweating like James Franco caught sexting an underage girl.
5. Get drunk and sleep with him on the porch.
Pour yourself a nice, cold glass of cucumber infused vodka and crack open a Bud for your man as you sit on the porch, “Mad Men”-style. If you’re lucky, you’ll get so drunk you both fall asleep before you remember how hot it is. Bonus points: you don’t have to have sex to get even hotter, since you’ll both be passed out on your individual porch chairs.
6. Have a hot affair with a business bro.
He’s so business that he found the movie “The Wolf of Wall Street” to be inspiring. He says things like “going out East” and “my tailor” with zero irony. All you need to know is that his Armani suit and Ferragamo shoes say one thing loud and clear: “I have central air.” Sleep at his air conditioned place in peace–he’ll be working so hard that he’ll never be home anyway. The only thing your life will lack when this fling ends is central air, but luckily, it will be fall and things will start to cool off (pun intended–oh so hot).
7. Take a vacay with your honey.
Go to Antarctica, where it’s so cold you can forget how hot it is back home. You’ll be way too cold to think about doing anything sexy, but at least you won’t have to smell someone else’s armpit on your city’s public transportation system. Just kidding. You don’t take public transportation. You’re high class AF.
8. Get hot and sweaty.
You’re going to do this no matter what, and there’s nothing sexy about it. On the plus side, so are millions of other Americans in your city, so at least you’re not sweating alone. How hot is that?