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Your Inner Monologue When Your Ex Gets Engaged

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Social media creates ties with people who we may not necessarily want to be tied to anymore. Namely, our exes. While we’ve advocated for cutting the digital ties with our former loves, most of us are guilty of remaining connected via social media with our exes. Unfortunately, this usually leads to THE day; it’s one of the worst days that can happen in our online lives. It’s the day your ex gets engaged, and you are forced to watch it unfold in front of you. While outwardly, you’ll be all calm, cool, and collected–“I’m happy for him! It’s so great he’s happy!”–on the inside, odds are, you’ll be having an inner monologue that goes something like this:

  1. Ew, what a hideous ring. Ew, ew, ew.
  2. I would have had to say no to that ring.
  3. Thank God I dodged that bullet.
  4. Still, this sucks. I feel like I want to throw up.
  5. Where’s my box of wine?
  6. Ugh, I refuse to watch everyone congratulate him on Facebook. Where is that mute button?
  7. Wait, why are we still Facebook friends?
  8. Oh great, now people are texting me to see if I’m okay.
  9. Thanks for your concern, excuse me while I fall into a deep pit of despair that I will try to climb out of with online shopping.
  10. Is it wrong if I creep on her Pinterest wedding boards?
  11. If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
  12. Her taste is horrible. Not even just because I hate her.
  13. Those are her picks for wedding dresses? I didn’t know she was a hooker.
  14. Whoever her bridesmaids are, those poor bitches are going to be shelling out big money for a hideous dress if this board is any indication.
  15. PLEASE STOP WITH THE MASON JARS.
  16. Why are you having a southern-country-chic wedding? You’re from New York, for fuck’s sake.
  17. All of a sudden, I want to cry.
  18. Why do I want to cry? I broke up with him.
  19. Still, I want to get married.
  20. Why didn’t he ask me to marry him?
  21. Doesn’t matter. Really. Because I definitely didn’t want to marry him.
  22. No really, I didn’t.
  23. Where did I put that bottle of vodka?
  24. Oh lovely, you put your save the date on Facebook. Where the fuck is that mute button?!
  25. Seriously, it’s time to unfriend you.
  26. Right now. Gonna do it. Really. Right now.
  27. I’m definitely going to ask my friends to go somewhere with me that weekend.
  28. To somewhere that doesn’t have cell service.
  29. And does have a lot of alcohol.
  30. Because I can’t watch this whole shitshow go down on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
  31. Even if it’s sure to be laughably tacky, since she does have bad taste–in dudes and dresses.
  32. But really, thank God I dodged that bullet.

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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