Everyone knows that to calculate your number, you take the real number, subtract ⅓, divide that by 2, subtract 1.5, round down, find the absolute value, and then kill yourself. It’s basic math. Why did this equation come to be? I think the fable goes, that men are jealous, crybaby bitches who live in fear of inadequacy, and if you haven’t slept with a lot of people, there’s a better chance that they’re the best you’ve ever had. Something like that. Some people consider using this basic calculation “lying.” If you’re one of those people, you need a new way to convince yourself you’re not a slut, so you’re just going to have to evaluate the situation and decide which ones did and didn’t count. I’ll help you. It doesn’t count if…
1. He blacked out.
If you wake up in the morning, and he has to ask you if you slept together, the answer is no.
2. He didn’t finish.
Is it really sex if there’s no deoxyribonucleic acid left as evidence?
3. You were on spring break.
Spring break is where even the wildest of people get wilder. Everyone’s number goes up on spring break, so essentially, it’s a wash.
4. He has an accent.
This is America, and it only counts if he speaks American. (Plus, you’re really not expected to resist a man with an accent.)
5. You were abroad.
You were just trying to learn something about European culture, and you shouldn’t be held accountable for that.
6. You blacked out.
He said you did, but he’s also a blonde guy who said his parents own Tostitos. If you can’t confirm it, there’s no reason to trust him.
7. It was only one time.
If you don’t make a conscious effort to remember him, you’re not going to, so just put it out of your memory, now.
8. It lasted for 4 minutes or under.
Four minutes does not a romp in the sack make.
9. He had a really tiny penis.
If you couldn’t feel it, it didn’t happen.
10. You were visiting a friend in a different ZIP code.
No one knows him, so for all you know, he was a figment of your imagination.
11. He was a freshman.
You’ve had sex before, and that wasn’t it.
12. You met after 2:00AM.
What’s that phrase? Nothing
good at all happens after 2:00AM? That’s what I thought.
13. You used a condom.
I mean technically, he didn’t enter you, latex did.
14. You were a freshman
You didn’t know any better.
15. You didn’t climax.
So that pretty much eliminates everyone who wasn’t a boyfriend.
With this mindset, you’ll be reclaiming your virginity in no time.