Your entire year is comprised of drunken makeouts. Some of them regrettable, and some of them very regrettable. They’re just a small component of the shitshow that is college life. Yet, for some reason, at 12:00am on January 1 of each year, a little MO becomes the only thing that matters. Maybe it’s the magic of the moment, or maybe it’s the fact that it’s the only time all year that making out in public is encouraged rather than scorned, but a New Year’s kiss seems to be the only thing that will legitimize you on this night. I’ve comprised a list of your ten potential options from most preferential to least.
1. Your Boyfriend
Duh. How lovely to spend such a special moment in the year looking into the eyes of the one you love. Of course if you’re in a long-term relationship, you may just as easily pass out in front of the TV before the ball drops. But whatever, it’s nice to remember your year in the arms of someone you love…so, I hear.
2. Your Not-Boyfriend
He’s a little more than just a hook-up, but he’s not quite someone you’d be willing to make it Facebook official with. You care for each other, but his eyes just aren’t the right shade of blue, or he has a cow-lick that bugs the piss out of you, or whatever other commitment-phobic excuse you’ve made that prevents you from being in a real relationship with one another. The New Year’s kiss will make you almost forget about all of your commitment issues for the remainder of the night. Of course, you’ve also forgotten your name, where you put your coat check ticket, and to close out your tab, but it’s nice while it lasts.
3. Your Hookup
There’s no romance here, but he’s a damn good kisser. He’s your favorite person to make out with (as of late, anyway), so you might as well lock lips with Mr. Nobody. Plus, it’s always fun to go out with a bang.
4. Your Ex-Boyfriend
While hooking up with an ex is usually a terrible decision, in this case you can make an exception. If you’re in the same place, and feelings are still lingering, the only thing worse than kissing him at midnight is letting someone else do it. It makes sense that you’d gravitate toward each other during a moment you’ve spent together so many times in the past. Plus, it’s easy to shake the situation off the next day, because this, above any other time, was a moment to get caught up in.
5. Your Friend
Normally hooking up with a friend can totally change the dynamic of a relationship, but on New Year’s Eve, you’re exempt from the doom that should reasonably come with the exchanging of a kiss. The key is to not just “let it happen.” Plan it out beforehand in a “You don’t have a New Year’s kiss? Me neither! See you at midnight?” fashion. It totally ends up being a joke, and no one will expect it to progress to a weird “now what?” limbo afterwards. Plus, people do this with marriage all the time. I have like three guys marrying me if I’m single at 30, and it’s fine.
6. Your Bar Boyfriend
You decided earlier in the month that you’d just find a boyfriend there, and so you did. Like a good little huntress, you locked someone down early in the night so you wouldn’t spend that minute alone. It’s important to find him early enough so that he doesn’t get scooped up by someone else, but late enough that you’re not bored with him when the clock strikes twelve.
7. A Bar Employee
You realized you missed the boat on finding a bar boyfriend, as all of the decent-looking singles have coupled off. The next option is a bar employee (bartender or bouncer only, duh). These guys obviously haven’t come with a date, because…well, because they’re at work. Just make sure you’re conveniently sitting at (or dancing on) the bar at midnight, lock eyes, and then lock lips. He’s not the most desirable candidate, but, you’ve technically been talking to him all night anyway, right?
8. The Random Guy Standing Next To You
If it’s getting close to midnight, and you haven’t solidified a potential kiss yet, you’re getting desperate, and you’re getting drunk, you might as well make this your last wild hoorah of 2012 (or your first wild hoorah of 2013), and just grab the necktie of the guy standing next to you, and plant one on him. It’s not the classiest move, but everyone around you is preoccupied, so no one will see you anyway.
Hint: Random Guys, stand next to a hot, lonely girl.
9. Your Girl Friend
I think making out with girlfriends is kind of freshmany, but to each her own. MO away if it’s important for you to do so. If not, you still need to end/begin the year with a kiss and it might as well be one of the people you love the most. I’m certain I’ll be ending this year cheek-to-cheek with a girl friend, kissing the air. Go me.
10. A Bottle of Champagne
Because fuck it. Here’s to New Year’s Eve, 2014.
Nice Move229
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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