Hey girl-
I know your type. You’re the girl with the shy smile who sometimes gets overlooked in a crowd. You have friends out there who are demanding attention from hordes of men while you sit there slowly sipping on your vodka cran and a three-day-old manicure hoping to get it from someone who deserves it. You don’t need to be noticed by the whole room. Just by that one guy. And I see you looking down at your phone waiting for his “Wyd” text. But I’ve got something to tell you.
There’s someone right here, right now who’s wondering wyd. It’s me.
You’re ruining your night waiting for a guy who doesn’t care about you to hit you up during the dicking hours, because, if you’re honest with yourself, you know he only wants you for one thing. He does this every weekend. He’s wishy washy with his texts to you, and drives you insane trying to overanalyze what they mean, when the answer is obvious. He only wants you for sex. And you deserve so much more than that. You deserve a man who is going to pay attention to you before 2am when he’s ready to get his nut. You deserve a man who’s going to pay attention, at say, 11:45pm, when he’s still only gearing up to get his nut. And I happen to know a guy who fits that bill.
I’m not claiming to be a white knight. I’m no hero. I’m just a man who sees you for who you really are, and sees him for what he really is. You’re a 34D with an ass that won’t quit, and a sparkling personality that lights up the room, probably. And him? He’s an asshole undeserving of what that mouth do. You should dump him and have sex with me tonight instead.
You’re a beautiful girl — on the outside and the inside. I mean, I haven’t actually seen your insides. Yet. But I’d like to. Just give me and my wiener a chance, and you will forget all about that fuckboy who had the AUDACITY to hit on your roommate in front of you. I’d never hit on your roommate. That’s shallow, and disrespectful, and I heard she doesn’t like blow jobs, so why bother? The point is, I’m here for YOU and you alone. And if you so happen to let your body be a gracious host to my dick, then that sounds like a good time for both of us. Both me and my penis. And probably you. What was I saying?
Oh yes. You’re too spectacular to be looking down at your phone all night waiting for some guy who doesn’t care about you to suddenly want you when you could be looking down the shaft of some guy who wants you right now. Or at least within the next couple hours. We can have a few drinks first. Or we can just head out. Up to you, really. Because I’m just that kind of guy. I care about what YOU want. I mean, not about anything like your future or hopes and dreams or anything, or really even what you like in bed. But I do care about when you’d like to get to that bed, because I’m a gentleman.
So listen. Stop wasting your time on a fuckboy. You’re better than that. Instead, waste your time on a fuckman like me. You won’t regret it. I mean, you might. But I won’t.
Love,
That Guy At The Bar.
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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