If you were to ask a 2nd grader what the most embarrassing thing to happen to them was, they might say calling their teacher “mom.” It’s embarrassing, of course, but still innocent enough. What happened to me, as a grown ass woman, was a little more embarrassing but a lot less innocent.
It all started as a joke. I’ve always had a thing for calling guys daddy, despite having a close relationship with my own father. I was made fun of relentlessly by all of my friends for having daddy issues. I went along with it because I’m a good sport, and somewhere along the line I joked, “If I had daddy issues, I would call them ‘dad’ not ‘daddy.'” And, because I go ball to the fucking wall to keep a joke alive, I started calling certain guys “dad” as a joke.
Things started getting a little weird when the word stopped being funny, and just became part of my vocabulary. One morning, about a month or two ago, when I responded “Thanks, Dad!” to my friend in a nonsexual situation. I had called this particular boy, Andrew, daddy for the past few years, but called him dad plenty of times the night before. He didn’t even bat an eye. And for the first time, I felt weird about saying it. Saying it in bed was traditional creepy, and I could live with that. But saying it in such a casual context made it creepy exclusive to myself, and I definitely was not okay with that.
I then started to blame Andrew for not judging me. Where were his morals?! You don’t just let a girl call you dad and act like everything is all fine and dandy! He should have called me out and made me stop, but he went along with it like a pervert. In my mind, Andrew not kinkshaming me is the only reason I went from being a nice, sweet girl with dreams and ambitions, to the type of girl that has “price negotiable, no kissing” as her tinder bio. Not that I am actually a prostitute, but in that moment, well it was as close as it ever would have gotten.
It takes a lot for a girl like me to admit that a line has been crossed. You’re looking at the absolute queen of terrible sex. I, the girl who let who let my high school boyfriend try anal, hated it, made a poop pun and then cried. I, the girl who had period sex, lost the tampon inside of me, and made my boyfriend fish it out. I was finally ashamed. I finally understood my parents’ general disappointment in me. I honestly considered doing a juice cleanse and praying for a shred of dignity.
But then it got so much worse.
To set the scene, I was drunk enough to believe that shotgunning a Four Loko would be a excellent idea. So however drunk that was, plus the soon shotgunned Four Loko. According to reliable sources, I called my hot boss dad while blacked out at a Farmer’s Market. Stood directly in front of him and screamed “isn’t he dad as fuck?!” to my friend who was also standing next to him.
He’s never brought it up, thank the Lord. But needless to say, I’m looking for new job..