I’m Over Making Coolers, And You Should Be Too


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Nice Move


With formal season looming in the very near future, everyone I know is scrambling. Every group message I am apart of is obsessing over dresses, drinks, and most importantly, dates. For us single ladies, getting an invite to formal is the only way you can stop your friends from mentioning how their boyfriend’s weird friend is “totally great once you get to know him!”

Every single girl I know is doing the same thing. We’re hunting for our formal dates. For me, that means swiping right on literally every single guy on Tinder, stalking them incessantly, and hoping for the best. For my more serious friends, that means reaching out to every causal hookup, ex-friend with benefits, and frat guy they have ever spoken to, all with the exact same promise: take me to formal and I will make you the most beautiful cooler to ever grace the earth.

Now, I’m not against bribing someone to take you to formal. I’ve offered sex, food, booze, unlimited rides to the airport, and once, even money to convince someone to allow me to fill that coveted plus-one place. I’ve even painted my fair share of coolers. What I am willing to offer is almost limitless.


But this year, I refuse. I will not paint a cooler for some no-name frat guy who I will probably never interact with post-weekend, just because my friends are dating his brothers and I want to go to formal too. I will bribe him with anything else, but I’m not putting that much work into something that I am going to give away to someone I am tolerating for the sake of a t-shirt and a couple of Instagram pics.

Plus, making a cooler is easily the world’s biggest commitment. I would say it rivals marriage, because you can get a divorce but once you start sanding, you are in it for the long haul. There is no turning back with cooler creation. Every sorority girl knows that at least forty-eight hours of manual labor, a pint of blood, and two gallons of human tears go into every mediocre cooler. I don’t know how many virgins you have to sacrifice for a cooler that actually looks decent, because I’ve never had access to enough virgins to even attempt it.

Why should that much work go into something that’s probably not going to be appreciated? He won’t stop asking you suck his dick just because he got a box with the Vineyard Vines logo painted on the side. He won’t commit to being your boyfriend because his name is written on a beer logo. He’s not going to keep that cooler for the rest of his life. If he doesn’t trash it as soon as the weekend is over, it’s not gonna be fond memories of our time together every time he sees it. It’s only gonna be him thinking about how I took twelve shots, vomited off a balcony and ended the night by delivering a subpar hand job.

No one is going to need a poorly painted reminder about how awful I am. Believe me, I’m unforgettable. And if you want really to bribe your date with something homemade because you think it’ll lock that dick down, just low key whore yourself out and bake him some pot brownies.

It will work twice as well, trust me.

Everything you want in a sister, sorority or biological - funny, hardworking, pretty but not in an super obvious way. Essentially, a funnier Elle Woods who is constantly having a bad hair day. Questions, concerns, videos of dogs and coupons for Thai food can be sent to totalsistermove@gmail.com

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