I think I speak for most of us when I say fuck sports. Or, at the very least, fuck watching sports on TV. I enjoy getting too drunk and cheering on my school (just a half second later than everyone, so that I can make sure I’m cheering for the right team) with a few thousand of my closest friends like the next girl. Hell, if it involves tailgating and face painting, you better believe I’m going all fucking out and I have the snapstories to prove it. But… watching sports… in a dirty fraternity house… it’s just not my glass of wine, so to speak.
This is why I’m less than excited for this weekend. You might have heard of the Super Bowl. You might have even broken up over it. Because if you’re the type of girl who cries when your boyfriend doesn’t immediately text you back, strap in for this clusterfuck of too much testosterone among bros and too little sensitivity for the girls they are dating. Don’t worry, however, because I’ve constructed a guide to help us all drink our way through this.
1. Drink a glass of wine to reward yourself for making all of those Pinteresty AF football inspired snacks
2. Finish the bottle when the heathens your boy calls “brothers” destroy those snacks before you could get an Insta-worthy picture.
3. Pound a shot every time your boyfriend talks about the money he spent on bets. You know, the money that he could have spent on you.
4. Take a sip every time you’re ignored while asking a question.
5. Chug every time that “cool” skank shows off her football knowledge.
6. Finish the whole keg if your boyfriend refers to her as “cool.”
7. Take a sip every time your boyfriend brings up his High School football glory days.
8. Turn that into a chug if you’re having a hard time not bringing up his less than stellar performance during his last intramural with Phi Delt.
9. Mainline vodka when you catch your boyfriend panting over a model in an overly sexual commercial.
10. Keep going until you forget that you’re, in this moment, a less than desirable drunk mess with cheese sauce in your hair.
11. Accompany your drink with an eye roll every time you hear “Sunday’s are for the boys!”
12. Consider taking a break when you realize your drunchies caused you to consume a weeks worth of carbs in less than an hour. Reward yourself for think about your healthy by grabbing another beer and handful of chips.
13. Pour one out for the homies that are going to have to listen to you bitch about this for the next few days.
14. Throw your drink in your boyfriends face when he tells you get him another beer.
15. Finish your cheap beer every time you would give your left ovary to be drinking anything other than cheap beer.
16. Drink when realize Tom Brady plays for the Patriots. Loudly announce to your boyfriend that you would fuck Tom Brady.
17. Drink once every time someone shushes you for complaining during the game.
18. Drink twice every time you shush a boy for talking over Lady Gaga’s half time performance.
19. Take however shots necessary to lose your sense of smell. Seriously guys, just because it’s the Super Bowl does NOT mean it’s suddenly cool to hotbox the house with their gases.
20. Drink for the entirety of those last four minutes that somehow stretched into four more hours.
21. Drink your own tears because you regret coming to this stupid party instead of going to brunch with your sister. Real alcohol (champagne) beats out football any day.
Go Tom Brady! I mean, Patriots or whatever. Traditions, gotta love ’em..