Surprise, surprise, we all get wet for summer break. Literally everything is just better in summer. You’re tanner, you convince yourself it’s okay to spend your money on dumb shit, you hike or go to the pool or rail some random for the next three months before dramatically breaking it off and eventually forgetting his name. It’s magical.
One of my personal favorite parts about summer, however, is the newfound social acceptance of day drinking. During the school year, as we pretend to be responsible, day drinking is somewhat limited. Not like it is in the real world (read: not allowed at all), but it isn’t just a fucking all you can drink buffet 24/7 like it is during summer. Summer is an extended version of spring break, meaning that you pretty much apologize for everything in advance and then ride that wave. However, if you’re like me, you hate alcohol, because it tastes vile. Sometimes just the mention of tequila will make me queasy, so the first thing I drink after brushing my teeth is very calculated. Honestly, I will know immediately if we’re friends based off your preference.
Hi there, princess. I don’t mean this in a bad way, mimosas are delicious, but they’re kind of a cop-out. You only drink mimosas when you don’t know what else to order and need something bottomless. Who wants to go through the trouble of flagging down the waiter for another glass when you can just have an entire bottle at a time?
This is a kind of step up. Bellinis are for girls who want to slowly get their buzz on without appearing to be a basic high school sophomore with her older sister’s ID. Don’t get me wrong, they’re delicious, but it’s hard not to roll your eyes at someone who is going to go against the grain to get a little peach preserve in her drink. Plus, the calorie count in these bad boys is sickening.
Rough night, sport? So you feel like shit and you have probably already yacked a few times before you had your first sip. So what’s going to help? Your trusty old friend vodka. Oh, what is that? Vodka is the reason you’re in this mess in the first place? Don’t worry, we’ll mask that up with some fucking tomato juice and Worcestershire sauce. If you’re still not intrigued, you will be once we throw in enough Tabasco sauce and horseradish that your tongue shrivels up and dies faster than your will to live.
Well, Satan, you somehow made the Bloody Mary worse. You took the only good ingredient (vodka) and replaced it with beer. Have you no shame? If you drink these you don’t love yourself. But I think you realized long before you started chugging a barely alcoholic pizza sauce.
Oh em gee, you’re, like, so creative, I can’t even! Are you planning on posting a picture of it on your ‘gram? Of course you are. Are you going to caption it “the best time to drink tequila is while watching the sunrise *mixed drink emoji*” because you will totally be the first one to do that. Here’s the thing, this is basically like chugging liquefied candy first thing in the morning. Ease up on the sugar, your head will thank you.
10/10 chance you rolled your eyes when your friends ordered their mimosas. What is this, amateur hour? Ha! Miss you with that pussy shit. You know what you need to get the ball rolling and it involves nothing short of hard alcohol. Drink on, sister.
You’re a freshman trying desperately to chase your newfound tolerance with the reluctance of spending more than $5 in the process. Remember last year when you and fifteen other girls could split a fifth and get shitfaced? It was embarrassing, but it got the job done. Or, another explanation is that you’re about to be a senior. Relish in your last summer, drink away the pain with battery acid that reminds you of that one weekend everyone discovered what your nipples looked like freshman year. Either way, at least you have money left over when you get sooooo hungry in a few hours.
I’m going to assume that you’re attending an 8am tailgate of your favorite sports team, because if you’re the girl that wakes up and consciously decides to drink piss water as a first option, I hate you. If you’re spending your morning eating a few hot dogs, doing a keg stand and painting your face your team’s war colors, then pleaseeee bring me with you.
No bullshit, straight to the chase. I can respect it. Just make sure you remember you have hours of drinking time left. Remember when you passed out face first in the dirt? Yeah, if you’re shooting back your fifth shot hour one, that spot is about to start looking a little more comfy. The only thing more annoying than a girl who refuses to take a shot with you before breakfast is the girl who can’t say no and ruins it for everyone
Thanks for the ride, Mom. I am so sorry for the shit show you are about to witness..